a continuation of the whole "list" theme, ben and i thought "shit cyclists think and do" might be entertaining.

1. You think any idiot that goes to the gym/has an upper body must be a mothalicka from the east coast and is "dumb", also people with pectoral muscles probably have self-esteem issues.
2. You have energy food preferences, and a product called "Hammer Gel" only semi-repulses you.
3. If given the chance between winning a race and hooking up with someone like Charlize Theron/Scarlett Johansson/Mara Abbott, you would choose crossing a line and throwing your hands in the air..."I WON I WON I WON!"
4. You think this web log is sometimes entertaining.
5. Allen Lim is one of the most influential characters of the twenty first century.
6. You don't worship Lance Armstrong, who is sort of a dick.
7. Instead you worship a kid named Kiel, who would kick Lance Armstrong's cancer-fightin', yellow-lovin' ass.
8. You prefer the photos on Velonews, over the CyclingNews ones, because you can scroll through them just by clicking on the photo.
9. You went out and bought two liters of grape-flavoured Pedialyte in preparation for a time trial, Allen Lim used cool, scientific lingo to say it was a good idea.
10. You think triathletes are gross, disgusting, foul human beings who lack class and urinate on themselves, they also probably do their dishes in the bathtub.
11. You think long-sleeved skinsuits are a good idea, and like the way they feel on your body.
12. You've been to a club where people wee on each other.
13. You can ride a bike a hundred miles safely and then crash at five miles per hour getting onto a bike path.
14. You think that road rash scars are all part of life's rich tapestry.
15. You refer to your car as "that thing that gets me to races".
16. Your jersey tan line never really goes away.
17. You have alienated many family members and friends by 'flaking' out on them to get some chamois time in.
18. You can't wait until "DZ's Nuts" hits the market.
19. You also perhaps started rocking the DZ cappuccino stain after watching ToC Velonews interviews, but soon regretted doing so.
20. You think the entire month of July should be considered a holiday, so you wouldn't have to skip work to watch the tour.
21. You think the BikeSnobNYC, although often times right, is probably a huge weenie and a shitty racer.
22. After being warned by the grandmotherly owner of the Cozy Cottage that it was not possible to eat three of her famous fruit and nut pancakes you proved her wrong by doing so...then you spent six hours riding them off.
23. You're emaciated and thirty pounds underweight, but persistently tell people you're getting heavy. Your name is Steve Forbes.



...Are we missing something, hit up the "comments"...

'nationals excuses' - email sent mostly from ben quinn's inbox...

If you have anymore decent excuses post them in the "comments".

1. I don't know if the elevation really affected me, but my resting heart rate is like 135 bpm and it is usually around 42 bpm.
2. I granted myself on the climb and everyone, including my team, attacked me because they didn't want to ride near me.
3. (your excuse) I was too busy hooking up with Mara Abbott all night to worry about sleep...C'MON.
4. LEEROY JENKINS.
5. My nerves were frayed because I couldn't take my usually bong hits as there was a threat of a USADA administered drug test.
6. My coach filled my neutral feed waterbottles with diet coke because he thought I was that Emo kid who liked diet coke a lot (me), why don't you drink real coke Colin...C'MON.
7. My non-carbon, non-tubular wheels don't spin fast on downhills thus I got dropped(me).
8. I am a wafer thin thus can't go downhill(me), am I too skinny Colin? make an assessment.
- i don't rightly know sir.
9. LEERROOOY JENKINS (me).
10. I didn't get a push from steve forbes (me).
11. Some mothalicka crashed his bike in front of mine causing me to fall on my ass. (me)
12. Grabowski hates emo kids (me) and kittens.
13. Some Emo kids adjusted my seat, only to mark where it was with a pencil...then they went off, carved out an emo stencil of the president missing his eyes(?), spray painted it all over the place, put on eye-liner, and then pretended to slit their wrists using a plastic knife and ketchup packets. (me)
14, People kept singing me songs off the new Modern Romance album during the road race and it threw me off (me). If you know who modern romance is you have just dated yourself.
15. Spent too much time the week before nationals sucking on the funky teet.
16. Missed the race because I was at Old Gregg's Place drinking Baileys.
17. I went past the feed zone and Corey held out a water bottle with a gel, and then as I was about to grab it he pulled it away, ripped open the gel, ate it, and drank most of the contents of the bottle. On the next lap he handed me a warm can of peach iced tea, commenting, "You're gonna hate it.".

(me) = ben quinn

dear family members,
we may talk about doing drugs a lot, but i assure you its all talk...for most of us. for more education on the dangers of drug use see this page.

sincerely,
colin

the 2008 collegiate road national championships in fo-co...didn't win that shit.

university of denver mexican food cycling squad nationals death posse + tito's mom - ben quinn - joe lewis - dana perkins = i want to kick ass so bad.



our friendly female server failed to realize that the fried, cinnamon-sugar "birthday" crisp, a la mode, she just handed to the asian kid, who oddly reminds her of that mechanical genius - data - from "the goonies", will almost be entirely consumed by the sinister looking fellow sitting to his left. "you're eating it all wrong dammit!" look at all the empty liquid crack glasses in front of him.



"fuck, i feel strung out on calories, i can't believe i broke down and ate food. damn it!...there was nothing i could do! it was so hard, i had to eat! fucking grabowski. you would have done the same thing, it was just a few energy gels and some electrolyte beverage. i think i'll just vomit it out, it doesn't count if you don't digest. my bibs are already starting to feel tight around my waist. eating = dumb. screw you for judging me."



teamwork!



ben was telling me about this nightmare of his...



tito - "gasp, gasp, gasp...i'm so tired, this is so hard...ugh... FALSE, this is not difficult. where's that emo ben quinn kid? c'mon forbesy"

steve - "...my name's - gasp - tito, and i have a - gasp - VO2 max of nine hundred...i think my break is rubbing..."

grant - "...well this skinsuit is going in the garbage..."

(*note: without "turbo back pats" from steve forbes, eric moore and colin don both would have needed new chamois after the crit.)



colin - "i think we should start out (relatively) easy before we fully tighten the vice."

tito - "false."

(taylor kneuven muttering to himself in background) - "colin don. dumb."



when asked if i had the proper documentation to board the "pain train", I vomited all over myself.

grant - "all aboard the pain train!"


CRITERIUM! fast, dangerous, flat, and mildy fun.



katie ronsse - age 22(?), rumored to house a pack of sled dogs in her refrigerator-cooled underground denver moose lodge. from alaska, fast, and looks good in a cycling kit.



eric moore! - age 21, likes dave towle's witty commentary (i.e. "...wattage cottage!...danger will robinson!...this group is strung out like a runway model...the sandstorm fucking comes out of nowhere bombing the hill!...").



benjamin haffey quinn III - age unknown (older-ish?), eats on the weekends, listens to bands like 'as i lay dying', mountain goat who enjoys working against gravity.



steve! forbes! - age 23, "colin don is in trouble?! i'm on it.", all around awesome, also enjoys doing hood rat astronaut anti-matter gravity sucks! shit.



colin don - age 20, interested in the twin disciplines of jazz and stationary management. used fifty nine safety pins, seven feet of electrical tape, eight twist ties, and three hours to attach race numbers to jersey and bicycle. "that race number on the back of his bicycle is so pro looking."


fun fact:
***we learned a cool new drinking game from the kids at MIT, its called "pythagoras!", and essentially you recite digits of pi in a circular clockwise manner with your friends. if you miss a digit, you take a shot...of booze and/or diet coke (liquid crack). it's not so much a 'drinking game' for the MIT kids as it is a five hour recitation of the digits of pi. try it with friends! and be the first to solve the theorem!***

despite my advances, neither of these fleeting weekend romances came to fruition...yet.

(daniel)

(mara)

some say he can read braile with his toes!

kirk is not to be trusted in these matters, kirk is a violent and sexually deranged being from the 4th dimension.

...kirk, is it true that you are still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind.

brule's rules.

(in other news...rabbit mountain time trial = won that shit. don't bother looking at the times, nothing to see there.)

if only ben quinn had a web log...

(...a thorough discussion of cycling excuses...)

1. My Extendor valve Broke.

2. I didn't have my ID so they didn't let me into the Academy.

3. I am like two days away from getting pneumonia.

4. For like 3 weeks every spring I get these really bad allergies and can't breathe.

5. When asked if I was ready to hammer, I vomited all over myself.

6. I've got pink eye, gangrene, melanoma, that david millar sun allergy thing, count choculitis, and/or lice.

7. My brake was rubbing.

8. Acid+Crits = totally tweaking out.

9. I only used 4 pins on my race number.

10. Ryan Belew farted in front of me.

11. I saw Kiel at the start line, immediately gave up, and committed "hari kiel".

12. Diarrhea.

13. Explosive Diarrhea.

14. Cramps (menstrual or otherwise).

15. Totally Bonked.

16. Too many bong hits this week.

17. I got blacked out drunk and hooked up with D(wight) and am too embarrassed to go to the race this weekend.

18. I didn't get much training in this week as I have a new hobby, rollerblading around Wash Park in skinsuits two inches from my buddies ass.

19. Dehydration.

20. Someone in the peloton was freakin ripe, and I couldn't take it anymore.

21. My chain feel off while i was trying to shift into my 11.

22. Norovirus.

23. Fucking Grabowski.

24. I got blacked out drunk, hooked up with Cass, who I thought was D(wight), and thus, am too embarrassed to come to the race this weekend.

25. I forgot that I had a meeting with Dr. Fünke, my Analrapist.

26. I have an unhealthy obsession with Anne Spalding.

27. I accidentally filled my water bottles with coagulated sheep blood.

28. Eric Moore ate all the strawberry energy gels, which is the only flavor I eat.

29. I forgot my vise at home.

30. I don't ride hard, or wear clothes for that matter, on casual friday.

31. I smoked a pack of real cigarettes with my hood rat friends and my lungs are bleeding.

Best Real cycling excuses...

I suck right now.
I couldn't breathe because I am in shitty shape.
I saw Kiel at the start line and immediately gave up.
Explosive Diarrhea.
I don't ride my bike enough, thus am extremely slow.
Bonking, dehydration, I would argue cramps only because it was my reason for quitting the Durango crit but is debatable.
I got blacked out drunk and hooked up with D(wight) and am too embarrassed to go to the race this weekend.



Come with us now on a journey through time and space...to the world of the MIGHTY BOOSH.