Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
colin... you blow hard.
(lame summer update).
what seems like for-ev-er ago i was at the northern rim of the grand canyon working on an ongoing (eighteen years) research project that studies the behavioral patterns of my mormon extended family, to include non-nuclear aunts, uncles, and progeny. what do they eat for breakfast? why do they criticize the sinners of the family (myself) for polluting their bodies with chemicals/poison (coffee), while midway through taking advantage of a can of "caffeine-free" coca cola [ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, caramel color(?), trihydroxidooxidophosphorus...]? why do they have thirty-two chromosomes like that tang-lovin' lance armstrong asshole? why do they keep giving me shirts for christmas that have red "A"'s sewn onto the left breast? why do they have a picture of joseph smith (the spanish conquistador that romanced/seduced/enslaved pochahontas) above their mantlepiece? why haven't they read "under the banner of heaven" yet? joke...i love my family, but reserve the right to criticize their peculiarities, with examples to include refusing to do the caffeine thing, being lazy on sundays and attempting to allow others to do so by not going "out" all day except to church, wearing strange white undergarments under their overgarments, not bringing their own b to a b.y.o.b picnic, being really into milk, having more children then toes... wait, this guy is mormon also, right? if my extended family represents the far right of the weird and pious, then surely he must be situated at the far left, consequently providing ballast to a ship constructed out of pixie stix dust, microwave ovens, and elmer's school paste by romanian orphans. i have also never considered that perhaps even as christians or jews my family would still be eerie as indiana, and maybe it isn't fair to nail it all under the banner of mormonism. (again a joke, as i am fully aware that mormons too leaf off of the incestuous tree of christian religious denominations).
...?...
oh, i remember...
okay, in reality the project i have been consumed with every summer for the last eighteen years is a study of "how effing great bats are", coincidentally the title of the research paper. in concordance with annual ritual i hike out to the canyon's edge, approximately sixty-four meters south of my cabin, late at night armed with a camera, a pen/research log, a police issue "COPS signature series" flashlight, a large fishing net, and a can of deer mace. only problem with bats is that they are somewhat of a tricky species, due to their nocturnal(werewolfesque) nature. i can't really make out much in the dark most of the time unless i squint real hard in the light of a full moon or make use of the flashlight...and i know what you're thinking, but the whole net thing is to a greater extent rooted in tradition than actual function these days. i managed to capture a bat using the net in the summer of '99, but was quickly bitten in the lower stomach and sent to utah for a series of rabies shots, which also would not have happened in this day and age because since '99 nighttime bat research attire has also changed drastically to now include shoes and a shirt. regardless, i don't need meaningless visual information to study bats, although once in a while it might be nice so that all of the drawings in my research log don't keep looking like pictures of the mothman drawn by richard gere's unhinged wife. speaking of moths, entomologists hate bats, and not for the reason you might think... namely that they are more sexually successful. actually, during my latest eye examination i was waiting for the effects of the dilating eye drops to kick in and was reading this article in some amateur bug collector children's magazine, called "BUGZ RULE", about crime and how adolescent bats have been breaking into entomology departments in universities across the country. the target of these raids? bug collections.
:)
the real fact is that in the last eighteen years my research has yielded less useful facts about bats than the ones in this book, which i read as a child and may have plagiarized heavily in all of those unpublished papers that i submitted to "nature".
passing through flagstaff on the way back from the grand canyon i stopped for a somewhat impromptu bike race and I WON I WON I WON...the category three road race, and i think i placed sixth in the hill climb, which yielded second place in the omnium. yes it was quite neat, and after throwing countless hours and money from my parents (joke) into cycling it was nice to get something back in the form of two checks with a sum totaling two hundred and twenty five dollars, which paid for food and my share of the gas on the car ride home.
weeks later i found myself fishing in alaska with fourteen of my fathers closest colleagues and some of their sons. as one of the only non-fisherman i was unsuccessful in catching fish for several hours, and no joke i made a deal with some sort of benevolent god of the salmon [and the captain of our boat] that i would consume the beating heart of the fish that would grab my line, and in doing so allow its memory to live on and be preserved in my lower intestine for-ev-er. this was dumb as ten minutes later i was eating the pulsating brussel sprout-sized heart of a king salmon.
in order to make some more money, and thusly fund cyclocross and my chemical habits this fall, i agreed to take care of the pets of our family friend about a month ago. in the span of a month i was asked by three other families to do the same thing...all approximately during the same two week period. i have been cleaning up feces, hating animals, and regretting my decisions ever since.
what seems like for-ev-er ago i was at the northern rim of the grand canyon working on an ongoing (eighteen years) research project that studies the behavioral patterns of my mormon extended family, to include non-nuclear aunts, uncles, and progeny. what do they eat for breakfast? why do they criticize the sinners of the family (myself) for polluting their bodies with chemicals/poison (coffee), while midway through taking advantage of a can of "caffeine-free" coca cola [ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, caramel color(?), trihydroxidooxidophosphorus...]? why do they have thirty-two chromosomes like that tang-lovin' lance armstrong asshole? why do they keep giving me shirts for christmas that have red "A"'s sewn onto the left breast? why do they have a picture of joseph smith (the spanish conquistador that romanced/seduced/enslaved pochahontas) above their mantlepiece? why haven't they read "under the banner of heaven" yet? joke...i love my family, but reserve the right to criticize their peculiarities, with examples to include refusing to do the caffeine thing, being lazy on sundays and attempting to allow others to do so by not going "out" all day except to church, wearing strange white undergarments under their overgarments, not bringing their own b to a b.y.o.b picnic, being really into milk, having more children then toes... wait, this guy is mormon also, right? if my extended family represents the far right of the weird and pious, then surely he must be situated at the far left, consequently providing ballast to a ship constructed out of pixie stix dust, microwave ovens, and elmer's school paste by romanian orphans. i have also never considered that perhaps even as christians or jews my family would still be eerie as indiana, and maybe it isn't fair to nail it all under the banner of mormonism. (again a joke, as i am fully aware that mormons too leaf off of the incestuous tree of christian religious denominations).
...?...
oh, i remember...
okay, in reality the project i have been consumed with every summer for the last eighteen years is a study of "how effing great bats are", coincidentally the title of the research paper. in concordance with annual ritual i hike out to the canyon's edge, approximately sixty-four meters south of my cabin, late at night armed with a camera, a pen/research log, a police issue "COPS signature series" flashlight, a large fishing net, and a can of deer mace. only problem with bats is that they are somewhat of a tricky species, due to their nocturnal(werewolfesque) nature. i can't really make out much in the dark most of the time unless i squint real hard in the light of a full moon or make use of the flashlight...and i know what you're thinking, but the whole net thing is to a greater extent rooted in tradition than actual function these days. i managed to capture a bat using the net in the summer of '99, but was quickly bitten in the lower stomach and sent to utah for a series of rabies shots, which also would not have happened in this day and age because since '99 nighttime bat research attire has also changed drastically to now include shoes and a shirt. regardless, i don't need meaningless visual information to study bats, although once in a while it might be nice so that all of the drawings in my research log don't keep looking like pictures of the mothman drawn by richard gere's unhinged wife. speaking of moths, entomologists hate bats, and not for the reason you might think... namely that they are more sexually successful. actually, during my latest eye examination i was waiting for the effects of the dilating eye drops to kick in and was reading this article in some amateur bug collector children's magazine, called "BUGZ RULE", about crime and how adolescent bats have been breaking into entomology departments in universities across the country. the target of these raids? bug collections.
:)
the real fact is that in the last eighteen years my research has yielded less useful facts about bats than the ones in this book, which i read as a child and may have plagiarized heavily in all of those unpublished papers that i submitted to "nature".
passing through flagstaff on the way back from the grand canyon i stopped for a somewhat impromptu bike race and I WON I WON I WON...the category three road race, and i think i placed sixth in the hill climb, which yielded second place in the omnium. yes it was quite neat, and after throwing countless hours and money from my parents (joke) into cycling it was nice to get something back in the form of two checks with a sum totaling two hundred and twenty five dollars, which paid for food and my share of the gas on the car ride home.
weeks later i found myself fishing in alaska with fourteen of my fathers closest colleagues and some of their sons. as one of the only non-fisherman i was unsuccessful in catching fish for several hours, and no joke i made a deal with some sort of benevolent god of the salmon [and the captain of our boat] that i would consume the beating heart of the fish that would grab my line, and in doing so allow its memory to live on and be preserved in my lower intestine for-ev-er. this was dumb as ten minutes later i was eating the pulsating brussel sprout-sized heart of a king salmon.
in order to make some more money, and thusly fund cyclocross and my chemical habits this fall, i agreed to take care of the pets of our family friend about a month ago. in the span of a month i was asked by three other families to do the same thing...all approximately during the same two week period. i have been cleaning up feces, hating animals, and regretting my decisions ever since.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
a continuation of the whole "list" theme, ben and i thought "shit cyclists think and do" might be entertaining.
1. You think any idiot that goes to the gym/has an upper body must be a mothalicka from the east coast and is "dumb", also people with pectoral muscles probably have self-esteem issues.
2. You have energy food preferences, and a product called "Hammer Gel" only semi-repulses you.
3. If given the chance between winning a race and hooking up with someone like Charlize Theron/Scarlett Johansson/Mara Abbott, you would choose crossing a line and throwing your hands in the air..."I WON I WON I WON!"
4. You think this web log is sometimes entertaining.
5. Allen Lim is one of the most influential characters of the twenty first century.
6. You don't worship Lance Armstrong, who is sort of a dick.
7. Instead you worship a kid named Kiel, who would kick Lance Armstrong's cancer-fightin', yellow-lovin' ass.
8. You prefer the photos on Velonews, over the CyclingNews ones, because you can scroll through them just by clicking on the photo.
9. You went out and bought two liters of grape-flavoured Pedialyte in preparation for a time trial, Allen Lim used cool, scientific lingo to say it was a good idea.
10. You think triathletes are gross, disgusting, foul human beings who lack class and urinate on themselves, they also probably do their dishes in the bathtub.
11. You think long-sleeved skinsuits are a good idea, and like the way they feel on your body.
12. You've been to a club where people wee on each other.
13. You can ride a bike a hundred miles safely and then crash at five miles per hour getting onto a bike path.
14. You think that road rash scars are all part of life's rich tapestry.
15. You refer to your car as "that thing that gets me to races".
16. Your jersey tan line never really goes away.
17. You have alienated many family members and friends by 'flaking' out on them to get some chamois time in.
18. You can't wait until "DZ's Nuts" hits the market.
19. You also perhaps started rocking the DZ cappuccino stain after watching ToC Velonews interviews, but soon regretted doing so.
20. You think the entire month of July should be considered a holiday, so you wouldn't have to skip work to watch the tour.
21. You think the BikeSnobNYC, although often times right, is probably a huge weenie and a shitty racer.
22. After being warned by the grandmotherly owner of the Cozy Cottage that it was not possible to eat three of her famous fruit and nut pancakes you proved her wrong by doing so...then you spent six hours riding them off.
23. You're emaciated and thirty pounds underweight, but persistently tell people you're getting heavy. Your name is Steve Forbes.
...Are we missing something, hit up the "comments"...
2. You have energy food preferences, and a product called "Hammer Gel" only semi-repulses you.
3. If given the chance between winning a race and hooking up with someone like Charlize Theron/Scarlett Johansson/Mara Abbott, you would choose crossing a line and throwing your hands in the air..."I WON I WON I WON!"
4. You think this web log is sometimes entertaining.
5. Allen Lim is one of the most influential characters of the twenty first century.
6. You don't worship Lance Armstrong, who is sort of a dick.
7. Instead you worship a kid named Kiel, who would kick Lance Armstrong's cancer-fightin', yellow-lovin' ass.
8. You prefer the photos on Velonews, over the CyclingNews ones, because you can scroll through them just by clicking on the photo.
9. You went out and bought two liters of grape-flavoured Pedialyte in preparation for a time trial, Allen Lim used cool, scientific lingo to say it was a good idea.
10. You think triathletes are gross, disgusting, foul human beings who lack class and urinate on themselves, they also probably do their dishes in the bathtub.
11. You think long-sleeved skinsuits are a good idea, and like the way they feel on your body.
12. You've been to a club where people wee on each other.
13. You can ride a bike a hundred miles safely and then crash at five miles per hour getting onto a bike path.
14. You think that road rash scars are all part of life's rich tapestry.
15. You refer to your car as "that thing that gets me to races".
16. Your jersey tan line never really goes away.
17. You have alienated many family members and friends by 'flaking' out on them to get some chamois time in.
18. You can't wait until "DZ's Nuts" hits the market.
19. You also perhaps started rocking the DZ cappuccino stain after watching ToC Velonews interviews, but soon regretted doing so.
20. You think the entire month of July should be considered a holiday, so you wouldn't have to skip work to watch the tour.
21. You think the BikeSnobNYC, although often times right, is probably a huge weenie and a shitty racer.
22. After being warned by the grandmotherly owner of the Cozy Cottage that it was not possible to eat three of her famous fruit and nut pancakes you proved her wrong by doing so...then you spent six hours riding them off.
23. You're emaciated and thirty pounds underweight, but persistently tell people you're getting heavy. Your name is Steve Forbes.
...Are we missing something, hit up the "comments"...
Thursday, May 15, 2008
'nationals excuses' - email sent mostly from ben quinn's inbox...
If you have anymore decent excuses post them in the "comments".
1. I don't know if the elevation really affected me, but my resting heart rate is like 135 bpm and it is usually around 42 bpm.
2. I granted myself on the climb and everyone, including my team, attacked me because they didn't want to ride near me.
3. (your excuse) I was too busy hooking up with Mara Abbott all night to worry about sleep...C'MON.
4. LEEROY JENKINS.
5. My nerves were frayed because I couldn't take my usually bong hits as there was a threat of a USADA administered drug test.
6. My coach filled my neutral feed waterbottles with diet coke because he thought I was that Emo kid who liked diet coke a lot (me), why don't you drink real coke Colin...C'MON.
7. My non-carbon, non-tubular wheels don't spin fast on downhills thus I got dropped(me).
8. I am a wafer thin thus can't go downhill(me), am I too skinny Colin? make an assessment.
- i don't rightly know sir.
9. LEERROOOY JENKINS (me).
10. I didn't get a push from steve forbes (me).
11. Some mothalicka crashed his bike in front of mine causing me to fall on my ass. (me)
12. Grabowski hates emo kids (me) and kittens.
13. Some Emo kids adjusted my seat, only to mark where it was with a pencil...then they went off, carved out an emo stencil of the president missing his eyes(?), spray painted it all over the place, put on eye-liner, and then pretended to slit their wrists using a plastic knife and ketchup packets. (me)
14, People kept singing me songs off the new Modern Romance album during the road race and it threw me off (me). If you know who modern romance is you have just dated yourself.
15. Spent too much time the week before nationals sucking on the funky teet.
16. Missed the race because I was at Old Gregg's Place drinking Baileys.
17. I went past the feed zone and Corey held out a water bottle with a gel, and then as I was about to grab it he pulled it away, ripped open the gel, ate it, and drank most of the contents of the bottle. On the next lap he handed me a warm can of peach iced tea, commenting, "You're gonna hate it.".
(me) = ben quinn
dear family members,
we may talk about doing drugs a lot, but i assure you its all talk...for most of us. for more education on the dangers of drug use see this page.
sincerely,
colin
1. I don't know if the elevation really affected me, but my resting heart rate is like 135 bpm and it is usually around 42 bpm.
2. I granted myself on the climb and everyone, including my team, attacked me because they didn't want to ride near me.
3. (your excuse) I was too busy hooking up with Mara Abbott all night to worry about sleep...C'MON.
4. LEEROY JENKINS.
5. My nerves were frayed because I couldn't take my usually bong hits as there was a threat of a USADA administered drug test.
6. My coach filled my neutral feed waterbottles with diet coke because he thought I was that Emo kid who liked diet coke a lot (me), why don't you drink real coke Colin...C'MON.
7. My non-carbon, non-tubular wheels don't spin fast on downhills thus I got dropped(me).
8. I am a wafer thin thus can't go downhill(me), am I too skinny Colin? make an assessment.
- i don't rightly know sir.
9. LEERROOOY JENKINS (me).
10. I didn't get a push from steve forbes (me).
11. Some mothalicka crashed his bike in front of mine causing me to fall on my ass. (me)
12. Grabowski hates emo kids (me) and kittens.
13. Some Emo kids adjusted my seat, only to mark where it was with a pencil...then they went off, carved out an emo stencil of the president missing his eyes(?), spray painted it all over the place, put on eye-liner, and then pretended to slit their wrists using a plastic knife and ketchup packets. (me)
14, People kept singing me songs off the new Modern Romance album during the road race and it threw me off (me). If you know who modern romance is you have just dated yourself.
15. Spent too much time the week before nationals sucking on the funky teet.
16. Missed the race because I was at Old Gregg's Place drinking Baileys.
17. I went past the feed zone and Corey held out a water bottle with a gel, and then as I was about to grab it he pulled it away, ripped open the gel, ate it, and drank most of the contents of the bottle. On the next lap he handed me a warm can of peach iced tea, commenting, "You're gonna hate it.".
(me) = ben quinn
dear family members,
we may talk about doing drugs a lot, but i assure you its all talk...for most of us. for more education on the dangers of drug use see this page.
sincerely,
colin
Monday, May 12, 2008
the 2008 collegiate road national championships in fo-co...didn't win that shit.
university of denver mexican food cycling squad nationals death posse + tito's mom - ben quinn - joe lewis - dana perkins = i want to kick ass so bad.
our friendly female server failed to realize that the fried, cinnamon-sugar "birthday" crisp, a la mode, she just handed to the asian kid, who oddly reminds her of that mechanical genius - data - from "the goonies", will almost be entirely consumed by the sinister looking fellow sitting to his left. "you're eating it all wrong dammit!" look at all the empty liquid crack glasses in front of him.
"fuck, i feel strung out on calories, i can't believe i broke down and ate food. damn it!...there was nothing i could do! it was so hard, i had to eat! fucking grabowski. you would have done the same thing, it was just a few energy gels and some electrolyte beverage. i think i'll just vomit it out, it doesn't count if you don't digest. my bibs are already starting to feel tight around my waist. eating = dumb. screw you for judging me."
teamwork!
ben was telling me about this nightmare of his...
tito - "gasp, gasp, gasp...i'm so tired, this is so hard...ugh... FALSE, this is not difficult. where's that emo ben quinn kid? c'mon forbesy"
steve - "...my name's - gasp - tito, and i have a - gasp - VO2 max of nine hundred...i think my break is rubbing..."
grant - "...well this skinsuit is going in the garbage..."
(*note: without "turbo back pats" from steve forbes, eric moore and colin don both would have needed new chamois after the crit.)
colin - "i think we should start out (relatively) easy before we fully tighten the vice."
tito - "false."
(taylor kneuven muttering to himself in background) - "colin don. dumb."
when asked if i had the proper documentation to board the "pain train", I vomited all over myself.
grant - "all aboard the pain train!"
CRITERIUM! fast, dangerous, flat, and mildy fun.
katie ronsse - age 22(?), rumored to house a pack of sled dogs in her refrigerator-cooled underground denver moose lodge. from alaska, fast, and looks good in a cycling kit.
eric moore! - age 21, likes dave towle's witty commentary (i.e. "...wattage cottage!...danger will robinson!...this group is strung out like a runway model...the sandstorm fucking comes out of nowhere bombing the hill!...").
benjamin haffey quinn III - age unknown (older-ish?), eats on the weekends, listens to bands like 'as i lay dying', mountain goat who enjoys working against gravity.
steve! forbes! - age 23, "colin don is in trouble?! i'm on it.", all around awesome, also enjoys doing hood rat astronaut anti-matter gravity sucks! shit.
colin don - age 20, interested in the twin disciplines of jazz and stationary management. used fifty nine safety pins, seven feet of electrical tape, eight twist ties, and three hours to attach race numbers to jersey and bicycle. "that race number on the back of his bicycle is so pro looking."
fun fact:
***we learned a cool new drinking game from the kids at MIT, its called "pythagoras!", and essentially you recite digits of pi in a circular clockwise manner with your friends. if you miss a digit, you take a shot...of booze and/or diet coke (liquid crack). it's not so much a 'drinking game' for the MIT kids as it is a five hour recitation of the digits of pi. try it with friends! and be the first to solve the theorem!***
despite my advances, neither of these fleeting weekend romances came to fruition...yet.
(daniel)
(mara)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
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