you've all been waiting for a chance to own some colin don memorabilia...interesting trades considered.

i too am selling a bunch of old used shit. please feel free to respond in the the 'comments' to this post if you want to buy anything. seriously, i will actually sell all of these things and ship them to you.

on the auction block...

*one rare red male beta fish named "aubrey". the fish lives in a french press alongside a faux hyacinth and some glass marbles. included will be food, an antiquated-looking roman pillar, and water conditioner. selling because fish lied about its sex. PRICE: $30



*one cycleops fluid^2 trainer. barely used. i bought a set of rollers and put these in the crawl space. i love my crawl space. the trainer is about two years old, but very new looking. PRICE: $140



*one plastic bag of about 300 g of crystallized cane sugar ginger. i bought this stuff from sunflower a few months back and now am tired of eating it. fun to drop to the bottom of a glass of hot tea. my loss is your gain. PRICE: $2



*one pair of white oakley razor blades. used, but still in fabulous condition. i take care of my things and keep them pristine. if you know me, you know this to be true. these shades are no exception. they have been discontinued as well, so you know, they're probably hard to find. PRICE: $50



*one pair neon green crocs. i bought these honeys last year to shower in (freshman communal bathroom shower floor = urine, fecal coliform, semen, seawomen, feces, poop, pee, dead skin cells, etcetera.) and no longer need them. i wore these in the nude, if that changes anything. PRICE: $5



*one set of PVC cyclocross barriers. used to belong to corey carlson. real cheap. PRICE: €20



*handle bar tape scaps. two colors: red and white. you know, the scraps that you get when you re-wrap your bars and cut the tape to fit. PRICE: $1



*CONFLICT SOCKS. one pair. one sock has a U.S. flag, the other is MEXICO. new, but washed once. i'm pretty sure these cannot be bought. "conflict" refers to pending battle with us & mexico PRICE: $11



*one WORK OF ART. you are pretty much commissioning me to draw you something. i have all sorts of paper, pencils, and charcoal in my room. this will be one of a kind. PRICE: $10 (priceless)

i associated most closely with the modern day asian pirates in this film.

...Danke, Danke für wählend mich nicht.

i tried to find a photo of a letter made out of a chain, but instead found a drawing of naked men conforming into letters of the alphabet.

i think this is better.


i didn't get an email account until like three years ago so i missed out on all of the teenage email chain letter hijinks, but when i was around the age of seven i received a chain letter in the mail from someone. his name was yougel and the ornately written letter was postmarked from gstaad, switzerland...

dear american colin,

i have found your name in american phone directory. please relay this message to seven people to avoid disease and misfortune.
this is all. good day to you.

sincerely,
yougel

...my parents said not to forward it because 'we don't support the swiss'. at the time i didn't bother to ask why, i suppose i assumed that it must have been some sort of political vendetta...

...nope. actually it was due to food poisoning from expired fondue cheese. swiss fondue cheese. apparently she was REALLY sick. Anyhoo, with tricia don's permission we visited switzerland as a family two years ago and had a lovely time. i held on to yougel's letter all this time and while we were there i attempted to look him up. after depositing about thirty swiss francs and an hour of my time into a public telephone i was able to track down his mother, who had since moved to genthod, which is a small town right outside of geneve. over the telephone she informed me that yougel had passed three years prior, and i said i was sorry to hear that, which i was. we visited her the day we were to fly out of the genevian aeroport and she told us the rest of the story that she didn't have the heart to disclose over the phone. yougel was swimming around the shores of lake geneva with his friends and contracted a deadly strain of 'duck pouse', which leeches into the water from the feces of swiss, orange-billed mallards.
he died ten days later from symptoms usually associated with amoebic dysentery. we did however get 'harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban' as one of the inflight movies, which was shown on those cool video monitors that are built into headrests of the seats. i think the other movie was something shitty like 'mona lisa smile'. i hadn't thought of this until just now, but his original letter to me mentioned something about '...disease and misfortune...' if i did not participate in his little charade. curious to say the least.

okay, so i guess we've established that it has been awhile since i had an opportunity to participate in any form of chain-lettering, but i just was 'tagged' by corey carlson (...who, i might interject, was recently attacked, and presumably taken advantage of, by a crazed individual on a denver bike path). so here, at the risk of myself contracting the hanta virus and suffering a horrible/painful death, are five things you don't know about me, maybe.


(with a slightly aggressive and punctual tone) fact.

1. i too was watching 'how to loose a guy in 10 days', but did not finish it because decidedly it was not up to par with tom hanks' films in the genre, my personal favourite being 'you've got mail'...i will say though that the new film with hilary swank has definite potential.


2. i was once involved in pretending to be a seductive young asian woman on aol instant messenger...who asked a sexed-up, pre-SAT taking teen for his measurments. he sadly complied.

3. i bought the entire set of 'rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and the island of mistfit toys' action figures (dolls) off of ebay when i was ten (sixteen). i think i used my mother's credit card...without her knowing.

4. someone was wondering what the name of the "...troll dolls with the gems in their belly buttons and colored hair..." were officially called the other day, and in my head i was able to chime in with 'treasure trolls' far too quickly...okay no more doll related facts.


5. my parents refuse to buy real christmas trees these days because of the hassle, as in you have to give it water and a corner to live in..."i already have look after two kids, and i don't need a third", so we have a nice, swedish fake one that is supposedly flame resistant. key word "resistant". i think that the class newly made trees in sweden must attend to learn about the dangers of fire is probably similar to lesson in school when the police officers used to come in and teach us about saying no to drugs. after people ask me multiple times if i want to smoke hash with them i eventually stop saying no. i guess you might say that i am "hash resistant"...not to be confused with "hash proof".


6. not really a secret, but when i pour cereal into a bowl at breakfast time i ALWAYS add far more to the bowl than i intend to eat...so that i can dump the excess in the sink.


(pause)...i think i'm missing the point maybe...were they all supposed to be embarrasing?...or just five things out of the ambiguous "things you don't know about me category"? whateve. i'm going to go watch tonight's installment of 'project runway'.




...it was a baker's dozen.

seasonal employee's are the university equivalent of a "lecturer"..."senior lecturer" if you've been at it a while.

...after you box em'?...

...you ship em'. that's the luck, smartass.

...the denver international airport - headquarters for the new world order? perhaps.

http://www.geocities.com/Baja/5692/

the very pants i was about to return.

…writing a web log post from the denver international airport (free wifi) because typing on a keyboard allows me to rest my hands on the typing surface thus eliminating any temptation to put my arms and hands on the gross, bacteria enveloped, synthetic blue airport furniture. how could I forget the alcohol wipes. instead of killing the 99.9% of germs on this seat, i’m absorbing them through the my one hundred percent cotton banana republic slim-fitting british khaki safari slacks. i too once had grandiose dreams that i might one day find myself penning out stories of love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm in the pages of a j. Peterman (http://jpeterman.com/) catalogue…

“…she paused for a moment in thought before elegantly pursing her lips together and daintily running the scarlet colour from right to left. at that precise moment he, across the world, was readjusting the band of his father’s old patek phillipe that had been sadly parted momentarily with his wrist for inspection by the customs agent with the oddly callous demeanour. a quick glance out to the sun-bleached tarmac; dodgson was on time for once. after procuring his well-worn rucksack from the oxidized steel rollers of the antiquated x-ray device, he strolled out the door and towards the shapely man bent over the engine cavity of the olive green cessna 3130. the scent of burnt petrol perfumed the air and when dodgson acknowledged his presence by a slight turn of the head, the expression he wore was unmistakably synonymous with enough time to pour a glass of what little he had left of the bottle of 1958 glen garioch. he pulled the lever to gain entry into the cockpit and sat down with the…yada…yada…yada…the pants he was wearing were superbly comfortable”

It never would have worked out.



…time to board. (saved & posted from home.)

do you want to go in the bathroom and smoke a cigarette with me?

well hello. its been a while since i made my last post, but i suppose this is always the case. enjoy the photographs and commentary from the last few weeks.


on halloween night i went to astronomy class at an observatory, in a park. im quite certain that i saw the words "BALD ASSHOLE" scrawled across someones door in something red, perhaps sheep's blood. toilet paper had also been strewn about their yard. i remember the days when we would just toss a few bottles of green food coloring and anise extract into the pool of the person...(who thought it a good idea to pass out fruit or pennies to children on halloween)...and be done with it. then again, i think sheep's blood is probably commercially availible these days, which it was not in 1997. on the other hand just because something is "commercially availible" doesn't mean its cheap. the werewolf testicles that i purchased on ebay for halloween of 01' cost me fifty dollars a piece, and i'm pretty sure that mean old man didn't realize that he was eating real werewolf testicles, they could have been a dog's for all he knew. i think i talked about cow's blood in a post long ago; the fascination with mammalian hemoglobin continues...


the redline cup. racing with the cat three's is crosstastic. i did not finish dead last and i did not vomit...or itch for that matter. woot. i think i finished 55th out of a 76 man field. i also watched the pro race, and was situated a mere twenty feet way when mr. jeremy "love tap" powers got fresh with a barrier and she maced him in the face.


evan sandstrom and i went to a cyclocross race in the highlands ranch area that was called "on the cross" and was held at church...then evan drove me to a liquor store and bought me beer. not cheap gross beer, but classy "microbrewed" beer. this was one of my finer races of the season. almost scored the hole shot, and ended up second wheel through almost all of the first lap. i tried to keep the pace up, but ended up losing a few positions and grabbed on to the back of a chase group. fifteenth place finish. evan broke a bolt on his stem twenty-five minutes prior to the race. lame. one of the guys in the race was named jafar. sick. you win some, you loose some.


i went to see feist play at the ogden theatre and ended up having quite the lovely time. she opened with "sea lion woman", and prior to that i was not aware of her "rocking" abilities, but yes she can play, sing, wear red tights, and look pretty. my only complaint was that she played the opening riff to "lovertits" and then stopped. for the family i would like to note that the beer was not actually mine, i just borrowed it from jane for the picture.


"my moon, my man"


leslie feist.


finals weekend was every morning this weekend + monday morning at seven o'clock. yes, i know wtf. its over now and i can start manufacturing the z's at night...instead of sitting at the table in my kitchen, drinking mediocre coffee out of the french press, bitting my nails, and reading about sexual promiscuity...for anthropology.


bob mapplethorpe, potential getaway driver, go.


the quarter is now over. i pack my things tonight and take a six week holiday to the american southwest tomorrow. i was supposed to start base on the third of december, but...DECEMBER 9TH ARIZONA STATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF CYCLOCROSS! base can wait a few extra days. ill see you there...while you are there...in arizona...watching the race.



bon voyage.