there's got to be a better way to say that.

Univ. of Denver Cycling team: 1 ... Mr. Moro: 0

for those of you who don't know what this is all about, allow me to enlighten you. mr. moro (whose first name i would rather not use, as he seems to be the narcissistic type that would google his own name, and thus could stumble upon this page) raced in the criterium that my university put on last year, which looped around a park in denver. well, there are a few expansion joints in the concrete that hug the curb in the roundabouts, which the course includes, and these miniature crevasses are chalked out to prevent people from putting their wheels in them. mr. m failed to notice these joints (or in a fatigue-induced state decided chancing the inside line was the only way to claim cat 3 glory) and proceeded to become enmeshed in one of them, at which point he was jettisoned from his bike and his collar bone was broken. such are risks that we take as cyclists. people crash and bones get broken. this is an intrinsic element of the sport, albeit one that people tend not to dwell on. it's not always the "fault" (per se) of the cyclist who ends up damaged goods, but in knowing the risks of cycling (especially in the higher categories...i.e., cat 3-4-5) you accept that these things can happen. however, mr. m moronically decided to use the facebook event page for this years race as a pulpit from which to excoriate the race organizers (us) and decry that our cycling team was responsible for his accident, namely because our chalking of the expansion joints was insufficient.


exhibit a

tha milkshake then tactfully responded to mr. m's response, and tried to explain that as the only serious roundabout casualty of the day, that surely "rider error" must have factored in to the accident.


exhibit b

but no. that stubborn asshole refused to admit any semblance of error on his part, and made one final retort (see exhibit b). after childishly resorting to doling out facebook criticisms, mr. m then stupidly decided to attend the event he had been bashing (and had refused to "attend" on the facebook event page)...a mistake he would come to regret. newly upgraded mr. m toed the line of the pro-1-2 race, as the announcing microphone lay firmly in my grasp. i took it upon myself to first introduce him personally to the spectators as the fucko that had broken his collar bone last year, and then informed him of the dangers of the course and commended him for pre-riding it. as the field made its first circulation of the 0.77 (repeating) mile course, and some anonymous rio grande b-squad rider appeared to be making a fruitless move off the front, i noticed that mr. m was solidly tail-gunning at the back. i illustrated this point to the spectators, and sighed with relief every lap that his collar bone evaded accident. a couple laps later he was gone. i mourned his loss publicly, and pondered the possible fate of mr. m. he had been dropped from the field (less than four or five laps in), and for a moment i was deeply aggrieved, assuming the worst. like a ray of golden sunshine, though, mr. m appeared, exiting the roundabout moments later. he triumphantly made his way through the start finish, and i cried into the microphone, "his collar bone is okay!" my enthusiasm to see him alive and well obviously was not a boost to his stamina...(too bad he didn't put powdered pangolin scales in his water bottles, as they are proven stamina enhancers)..., as he quickly dropped out from the race. he learned an important lesson though...

...the internet (especially facebook) is not an anonymous forum where you can be a fucking asshole without retribution.

peacock mantis shrimp versus blue-ringed octopus

The transaction had gone horribly. It was seven in the evening as Vincent Chevalier drove along Amsterdam Avenue, haphazardly stitching his R8 in and out of the homeward bound procession. He had endured the better part of the last decade dealing with these Japanese steel assholes and their pseudo-Yakuza bullshit. The fabled politeness and venerability of the Japanese was lost on these goons, who were just as likely to show up unannounced in one’s office, as they were to do so wielding meter-long katanas. As he made his right onto West 88th Street he definitively made up his mind to retire Dodgson, who had somehow mutated into a spineless sycophant, a caricature of his once brilliant former self. “Too many hours in that goddamn opium den,” Chevalier told himself. The steady clockwise movement of the tachometer was his only release from the situation, and only moments later he found himself in the driveway. Noticing the ominous loitering of a decaying moving truck outside of his estate, Chevalier nervously pumped the brakes, and the car began to waver on the gravel. “Shit,” he thought to himself. It quickly dawned on him, however, that there was no way those bespoke suit-clad Japanese had arrived in this wretched vehicle to off him. His heart receded back into his chest as he put the car in park, and began curiously up the stairs towards the front door. As he neared, a gangrenous stench ebbed from his palatial entryway, and an unknown man issued a stern command. Vincent paused short of the door, and a smile crept across his face as he teased his mustache. His komodo dragon had arrived.

"my uncle the detective: part II"

the following weblog post contains content that may be inappropriate for some viewers. parental discretion is advised.

nordic friends: you fucking dick
nordic friends: where the fuck where you
nordic friends: I stayed up all night for you
nordic friends: you scared to talk to me?
nordic friends: c'mon pussy shit, I wanted your dick in THIS HOT SHIT, and you pussied out
nordic friends: you ain't worth mah time.
nordic friends: DAMN IT FAGGOT
nordic friends: LOOK -
nordic friends: I''ve never been so attracted to someone before
nordic friends: and I just wanted to get to know you
nordic friends: will you talk to me please, PLEASE!
nordic friends: its tearing me apart.
haustka1506: same here,
nordic friends: why didn't you come on saturday!?
haustka1506: sure,, why don't we talk to each other AT SCHOOL
haustka1506: not here
haustka1506: brb
nordic friends: WHAT ARE YOU MAD AT?
nordic friends: ITS YOU WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP!
haustka1506: BRB
nordic friends: WHY DIDN'T YOU COME ON SATURDAY
haustka1506: we wouldn't discuss that here.
nordic friends: shine your light now, this time its got to be good jay, get it right now, oh yeah, cause you're in hollywood.
haustka1506: i wouldn't tell you what happened,, but it's not very unpleasant
nordic friends: jay, you stood me up
nordic friends: WHY?
nordic friends: I've got my top off and it feels so good
nordic friends: and I want you to know me that way
haustka1506: i will explain at school ok
nordic friends: why won't you talk to me now jay
nordic friends: I want answers
nordic friends: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm so stooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopid
nordic friends: cause I used to live
nordic friends: in a fuzzy dream.
nordic friends: I want answers
haustka1506: we will meet tomorrow about this, or i wouldn't talk to u ok?
haustka1506: and i'm quite serious
haustka1506: i really am... i'm mad at you right now
haustka1506: so let's talk through this at school
nordic friends: who the fuck do you think you are
nordic friends: you're ugly to everyone but me, stupid, annoying, irritation, and you act like a GAY BOY, but I am in love with you
nordic friends: and you think you're good enough to say no to me?
nordic friends: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING
haustka1506: ...
nordic friends: SHOULDN'T YOU WORSHIP THIS PUSSY?
haustka1506: BRB
nordic friends: JAY
nordic friends: TALK TO ME
nordic friends: YOU WANT TO TALK IN PERSON?!?
nordic friends: bullshit
nordic friends: you told me when the SATS were over
nordic friends: THEN I COULD TALK TO YOU IN PERSON
haustka1506: well, let's meet each other tomorrow
haustka1506: um... when do you have free period?
nordic friends: WHY DO YOU GET TO "MEET WITH ME" when you want to
nordic friends: but we can't have a relationship
nordic friends: YOU CAN TALK TO ME HERE AND NOW
haustka1506: i am...
nordic friends: OR YOU CAN BE A VIRGIN UNTIL YOU'RE 27
haustka1506: i need to confront you to trust you, that's all
nordic friends: why can't you trust this shit here and now
haustka1506: because i have already tricked by it
nordic friends: TRICKED?
haustka1506: no discussion about it....
nordic friends: YOU TRICKED ME FAG
haustka1506: no discussion plz
nordic friends: ABOUT YOU DITCHING ME ON SATURDAY?
nordic friends: THANK GOD I HAD MY VIBRATOR
haustka1506: i gtg soon
nordic friends: SHOULD I CHANGE MY NAME JAY?
haustka1506: so tell me when you have free period
nordic friends: SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
haustka1506: when DO YOU HAVE FREE?
nordic friends: I TRIED TO BE A BOY, TRIED TO BE A GIRL, TRIED TO BE THE BEST, FUCK IT!
haustka1506: ?
nordic friends: YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT INTO ME
haustka1506: tell me when you have free period and we will discuss about it
nordic friends: I GOT A LAWYER AND A MANAGER AND A TRAINER AND A BUTLER AND A BODYGUARD OR FIVE
nordic friends: I'm just living out the american dream
nordic friends: and I JUST realised that nothing is what it seems
haustka1506: same here
nordic friends: WHY DIDN'T YOU COME ON SATURDAY
haustka1506: we wouldn't discuss that here.
haustka1506: i wouldn't tell you what happened,, but it's not very unpleasant
nordic friends: jay, you stood me up
nordic friends: WHY?
haustka1506: well, can i confront you plz?
nordic friends: Jay, I wake up thinking about you
nordic friends: and you tell me I can't date you
nordic friends: or talk to you at school
nordic friends: then you don't come over when you said you would
nordic friends: and suddenly you want to talk to me in person
nordic friends: fuuuck no
haustka1506: i did not say i can't date you
nordic friends: yes
nordic friends: you said I can not talk to you at school until end of year
haustka1506: ?
haustka1506: that's when i said i don't like you anymore
haustka1506: but i do like you still, but i'm mad at you about saturday night
haustka1506: so i would like to talk it over at school
haustka1506: plz
haustka1506: or we really can't... go out each other,, i'm really really sorry
haustka1506: plz?
haustka1506: plz...
nordic friends: why should I talk to you in person
nordic friends: if you don't want to date
haustka1506: well, let's see
haustka1506: so you want to discuss about saturdays night
haustka1506: right?
nordic friends: yes
nordic friends: why didn't you come over
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: i did went over to your house
haustka1506: and nobody was answering
nordic friends: WHAT
haustka1506: so i knocked on your door for HALF an hour, and.. i had to leave
nordic friends: WHAT
nordic friends: BOTH ME AND SHOVEL FACE WERE THERE
nordic friends: HOW DID WE NOT HEAR YOU
nordic friends: BULL SHIT
nordic friends: you just didn't come
haustka1506: we???
haustka1506: what are you talking about we?
haustka1506: i thought you are the only person who stayed in your hosue
haustka1506: ok, what's your address again?
nordic friends: that ugly sus arrived at like 12 30
haustka1506: sus?
haustka1506: sis?
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: what's your address though?
haustka1506: omg
nordic friends: 1581 E placiat lupita
nordic friends: why didn't you come
nordic friends: to the right address
nordic friends: WELL
nordic friends: I WAS WAITING FOR YOU
nordic friends: AND DIDN'T HEAR IT
nordic friends: did you ring the doorbell?
haustka1506: how come your bell didn't work?
haustka1506: yes like thousand times
nordic friends: well, I didn't hear it
nordic friends: and thats unbeliveable
haustka1506: same here
haustka1506: what's phone number again?
nordic friends: 661 803 3823
haustka1506: pl
haustka1506: ok
nordic friends: its my old aunt's cell phone
nordic friends: I got it when she died
haustka1506: can i call you right now?
nordic friends: yes.
--------CALLS KYLE------
nordic friends: I'm gonna fake an accent
nordic friends: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nordic friends: so drunk and so fun!
-----CONVERSATION WITH ME-----
nordic friends (10:18:45 AM): fuck
nordic friends (10:18:50 AM): CAN I PULL THIS OFF?
OperacionHenesey (10:18:51 AM): be ready
OperacionHenesey (10:18:59 AM): try really hard to do stacy kim
OperacionHenesey (10:19:01 AM): STACY!
OperacionHenesey (10:19:10 AM): but stacie doesnt have a korean accent
OperacionHenesey (10:19:10 AM): shit
OperacionHenesey (10:19:15 AM): just sound annoying
nordic friends (10:19:21 AM): FUCK
nordic friends (10:19:27 AM): um
OperacionHenesey (10:19:30 AM): annoying valley girl
OperacionHenesey (10:19:47 AM): tell him to hold and 3 way call me
OperacionHenesey (10:19:48 AM): ok?
OperacionHenesey (10:19:53 AM): wait dont
OperacionHenesey (10:19:56 AM): hed hear the ring
nordic friends (10:20:00 AM): omg
nordic friends (10:20:09 AM): OMG
nordic friends (10:20:13 AM): this is horrible
nordic friends (10:20:18 AM): "is that stacee?
nordic friends (10:20:23 AM): you sound like man!
OperacionHenesey (10:20:28 AM): hahahaha
nordic friends (10:21:19 AM): omg gold
OperacionHenesey (10:21:55 AM): what?
nordic friends (10:22:57 AM): fuck
OperacionHenesey (10:23:15 AM): oh no
nordic friends (10:23:25 AM): fuck!!!!!!!!
OperacionHenesey (10:23:41 AM): WHAAAAAAT?
OperacionHenesey (10:24:38 AM): pull out
OperacionHenesey (10:24:42 AM): the phone is dying
OperacionHenesey (10:24:48 AM): talk online
nordic friends (10:25:28 AM): oh fuck
OperacionHenesey (10:27:35 AM): kyle this conversation has gone on far too long PULL OUT
nordic friends (10:27:37 AM): i'm fake crying
OperacionHenesey (10:27:41 AM): hahaha
OperacionHenesey (10:27:55 AM): DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME?
OperacionHenesey (10:27:59 AM): WILL IT GET ME FAR?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:04 AM): SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:08 AM): AM I GONNA BE A STAR?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:27 AM): BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! BLEEEEEEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH BLEEEEEEEEEH!
OperacionHenesey (10:29:53 AM): im so fucking curious
nordic friends (10:30:00 AM): GO GET THE HOUSE PHONE
OperacionHenesey (10:30:05 AM): i have it
nordic friends (10:30:09 AM): HOT SHIT HERE
OperacionHenesey (10:33:18 AM): im so scared for you
OperacionHenesey (10:33:31 AM): how the hell has the conversation gone on this long?

if i had a heart

the evening of halloween, tobias fünke and i went to go see the sounds.

i am loving this evolution

i was sipping a café au lait at my local coffee haunt last tuesday with my friend, a german foreign exchange student named klaus. we were engaged in a rather fervent discourse surrounding a PBS documentary, which had aired the previous evening. the documentary, titled “tropical hobbits?”, discussed the finding of fossilized body parts in indonesia from a potentially new species, which are being called Homo floresiensis. the dispute concerning the fossils was whether or not they actually represented a new species, or were they perhaps just leprous modern humans with microcephaly, a genetic disorder resulting in an abnormal smallness of the head. an older gentleman who was sitting behind me, and who upon arrival had recklessly obstructed the doorway with his four-volt electric scooter, told me that he too had seen the PBS documentary, and that he could tell me exactly what those fossils were. he seemed somewhat scholarly and well put together, if you discounted the fact that his breath was noticeably redolent of johnnie walker at seven o’clock in the morning. so I leaned in to hear what the tweedy bastard had to say, and after sharing his exceptionally limited wisdom i assured him that the fossils were most likely not “moon people”.