sake! talk

there's got to be a better way to say that.

2010-05-30T11:16:00.001-07:00

Univ. of Denver Cycling team: 1 ... Mr. Moro: 0

2010-03-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

for those of you who don't know what this is all about, allow me to enlighten you. mr. moro (whose first name i would rather not use, as he seems to be the narcissistic type that would google his own name, and thus could stumble upon this page) raced in the criterium that my university put on last year, which looped around a park in denver. well, there are a few expansion joints in the concrete that hug the curb in the roundabouts, which the course includes, and these miniature crevasses are chalked out to prevent people from putting their wheels in them. mr. m failed to notice these joints (or in a fatigue-induced state decided chancing the inside line was the only way to claim cat 3 glory) and proceeded to become enmeshed in one of them, at which point he was jettisoned from his bike and his collar bone was broken. such are risks that we take as cyclists. people crash and bones get broken. this is an intrinsic element of the sport, albeit one that people tend not to dwell on. it's not always the "fault" (per se) of the cyclist who ends up damaged goods, but in knowing the risks of cycling (especially in the higher categories...i.e., cat 3-4-5) you accept that these things can happen. however, mr. m moronically decided to use the facebook event page for this years race as a pulpit from which to excoriate the race organizers (us) and decry that our cycling team was responsible for his accident, namely because our chalking of the expansion joints was insufficient.

exhibit a

tha milkshake then tactfully responded to mr. m's response, and tried to explain that as the only serious roundabout casualty of the day, that surely "rider error" must have factored in to the accident.

exhibit b

but no. that stubborn asshole refused to admit any semblance of error on his part, and made one final retort (see exhibit b). after childishly resorting to doling out facebook criticisms, mr. m then stupidly decided to attend the event he had been bashing (and had refused to "attend" on the facebook event page)...a mistake he would come to regret. newly upgraded mr. m toed the line of the pro-1-2 race, as the announcing microphone lay firmly in my grasp. i took it upon myself to first introduce him personally to the spectators as the fucko that had broken his collar bone last year, and then informed him of the dangers of the course and commended him for pre-riding it. as the field made its first circulation of the 0.77 (repeating) mile course, and some anonymous rio grande b-squad rider appeared to be making a fruitless move off the front, i noticed that mr. m was solidly tail-gunning at the back. i illustrated this point to the spectators, and sighed with relief every lap that his collar bone evaded accident. a couple laps later he was gone. i mourned his loss publicly, and pondered the possible fate of mr. m. he had been dropped from the field (less than four or five laps in), and for a moment i was deeply aggrieved, assuming the worst. like a ray of golden sunshine, though, mr. m appeared, exiting the roundabout moments later. he triumphantly made his way through the start finish, and i cried into the microphone, "his collar bone is okay!" my enthusiasm to see him alive and well obviously was not a boost to his stamina...(too bad he didn't put powdered pangolin scales in his water bottles, as they are proven stamina enhancers)..., as he quickly dropped out from the race. he learned an important lesson though...

...the internet (especially facebook) is not an anonymous forum where you can be a fucking asshole without retribution.

peacock mantis shrimp versus blue-ringed octopus

2010-03-05T08:28:00.001-08:00

2010-03-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

The transaction had gone horribly. It was seven in the evening as Vincent Chevalier drove along Amsterdam Avenue, haphazardly stitching his R8 in and out of the homeward bound procession. He had endured the better part of the last decade dealing with these Japanese steel assholes and their pseudo-Yakuza bullshit. The fabled politeness and venerability of the Japanese was lost on these goons, who were just as likely to show up unannounced in one’s office, as they were to do so wielding meter-long katanas. As he made his right onto West 88th Street he definitively made up his mind to retire Dodgson, who had somehow mutated into a spineless sycophant, a caricature of his once brilliant former self. “Too many hours in that goddamn opium den,” Chevalier told himself. The steady clockwise movement of the tachometer was his only release from the situation, and only moments later he found himself in the driveway. Noticing the ominous loitering of a decaying moving truck outside of his estate, Chevalier nervously pumped the brakes, and the car began to waver on the gravel. “Shit,” he thought to himself. It quickly dawned on him, however, that there was no way those bespoke suit-clad Japanese had arrived in this wretched vehicle to off him. His heart receded back into his chest as he put the car in park, and began curiously up the stairs towards the front door. As he neared, a gangrenous stench ebbed from his palatial entryway, and an unknown man issued a stern command. Vincent paused short of the door, and a smile crept across his face as he teased his mustache. His komodo dragon had arrived.

"my uncle the detective: part II"

2010-02-21T22:01:00.001-08:00

the following weblog post contains content that may be inappropriate for some viewers. parental discretion is advised.

nordic friends: you fucking dick
nordic friends: where the fuck where you
nordic friends: I stayed up all night for you
nordic friends: you scared to talk to me?
nordic friends: c'mon pussy shit, I wanted your dick in THIS HOT SHIT, and you pussied out
nordic friends: you ain't worth mah time.
nordic friends: DAMN IT FAGGOT
nordic friends: LOOK -
nordic friends: I''ve never been so attracted to someone before
nordic friends: and I just wanted to get to know you
nordic friends: will you talk to me please, PLEASE!
nordic friends: its tearing me apart.
haustka1506: same here,
nordic friends: why didn't you come on saturday!?
haustka1506: sure,, why don't we talk to each other AT SCHOOL
haustka1506: not here
haustka1506: brb
nordic friends: WHAT ARE YOU MAD AT?
nordic friends: ITS YOU WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP!
haustka1506: BRB
nordic friends: WHY DIDN'T YOU COME ON SATURDAY
haustka1506: we wouldn't discuss that here.
nordic friends: shine your light now, this time its got to be good jay, get it right now, oh yeah, cause you're in hollywood.
haustka1506: i wouldn't tell you what happened,, but it's not very unpleasant
nordic friends: jay, you stood me up
nordic friends: WHY?
nordic friends: I've got my top off and it feels so good
nordic friends: and I want you to know me that way
haustka1506: i will explain at school ok
nordic friends: why won't you talk to me now jay
nordic friends: I want answers
nordic friends: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm so stooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopid
nordic friends: cause I used to live
nordic friends: in a fuzzy dream.
nordic friends: I want answers
haustka1506: we will meet tomorrow about this, or i wouldn't talk to u ok?
haustka1506: and i'm quite serious
haustka1506: i really am... i'm mad at you right now
haustka1506: so let's talk through this at school
nordic friends: who the fuck do you think you are
nordic friends: you're ugly to everyone but me, stupid, annoying, irritation, and you act like a GAY BOY, but I am in love with you
nordic friends: and you think you're good enough to say no to me?
nordic friends: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING
haustka1506: ...
nordic friends: SHOULDN'T YOU WORSHIP THIS PUSSY?
haustka1506: BRB
nordic friends: JAY
nordic friends: TALK TO ME
nordic friends: YOU WANT TO TALK IN PERSON?!?
nordic friends: bullshit
nordic friends: you told me when the SATS were over
nordic friends: THEN I COULD TALK TO YOU IN PERSON
haustka1506: well, let's meet each other tomorrow
haustka1506: um... when do you have free period?
nordic friends: WHY DO YOU GET TO "MEET WITH ME" when you want to
nordic friends: but we can't have a relationship
nordic friends: YOU CAN TALK TO ME HERE AND NOW
haustka1506: i am...
nordic friends: OR YOU CAN BE A VIRGIN UNTIL YOU'RE 27
haustka1506: i need to confront you to trust you, that's all
nordic friends: why can't you trust this shit here and now
haustka1506: because i have already tricked by it
nordic friends: TRICKED?
haustka1506: no discussion about it....
nordic friends: YOU TRICKED ME FAG
haustka1506: no discussion plz
nordic friends: ABOUT YOU DITCHING ME ON SATURDAY?
nordic friends: THANK GOD I HAD MY VIBRATOR
haustka1506: i gtg soon
nordic friends: SHOULD I CHANGE MY NAME JAY?
haustka1506: so tell me when you have free period
nordic friends: SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
haustka1506: when DO YOU HAVE FREE?
nordic friends: I TRIED TO BE A BOY, TRIED TO BE A GIRL, TRIED TO BE THE BEST, FUCK IT!
haustka1506: ?
nordic friends: YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT INTO ME
haustka1506: tell me when you have free period and we will discuss about it
nordic friends: I GOT A LAWYER AND A MANAGER AND A TRAINER AND A BUTLER AND A BODYGUARD OR FIVE
nordic friends: I'm just living out the american dream
nordic friends: and I JUST realised that nothing is what it seems
haustka1506: same here
nordic friends: WHY DIDN'T YOU COME ON SATURDAY
haustka1506: we wouldn't discuss that here.
haustka1506: i wouldn't tell you what happened,, but it's not very unpleasant
nordic friends: jay, you stood me up
nordic friends: WHY?
haustka1506: well, can i confront you plz?
nordic friends: Jay, I wake up thinking about you
nordic friends: and you tell me I can't date you
nordic friends: or talk to you at school
nordic friends: then you don't come over when you said you would
nordic friends: and suddenly you want to talk to me in person
nordic friends: fuuuck no
haustka1506: i did not say i can't date you
nordic friends: yes
nordic friends: you said I can not talk to you at school until end of year
haustka1506: ?
haustka1506: that's when i said i don't like you anymore
haustka1506: but i do like you still, but i'm mad at you about saturday night
haustka1506: so i would like to talk it over at school
haustka1506: plz
haustka1506: or we really can't... go out each other,, i'm really really sorry
haustka1506: plz?
haustka1506: plz...
nordic friends: why should I talk to you in person
nordic friends: if you don't want to date
haustka1506: well, let's see
haustka1506: so you want to discuss about saturdays night
haustka1506: right?
nordic friends: yes
nordic friends: why didn't you come over
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: i did went over to your house
haustka1506: and nobody was answering
nordic friends: WHAT
haustka1506: so i knocked on your door for HALF an hour, and.. i had to leave
nordic friends: WHAT
nordic friends: BOTH ME AND SHOVEL FACE WERE THERE
nordic friends: HOW DID WE NOT HEAR YOU
nordic friends: BULL SHIT
nordic friends: you just didn't come
haustka1506: we???
haustka1506: what are you talking about we?
haustka1506: i thought you are the only person who stayed in your hosue
haustka1506: ok, what's your address again?
nordic friends: that ugly sus arrived at like 12 30
haustka1506: sus?
haustka1506: sis?
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: ok
haustka1506: what's your address though?
haustka1506: omg
nordic friends: 1581 E placiat lupita
nordic friends: why didn't you come
nordic friends: to the right address
nordic friends: WELL
nordic friends: I WAS WAITING FOR YOU
nordic friends: AND DIDN'T HEAR IT
nordic friends: did you ring the doorbell?
haustka1506: how come your bell didn't work?
haustka1506: yes like thousand times
nordic friends: well, I didn't hear it
nordic friends: and thats unbeliveable
haustka1506: same here
haustka1506: what's phone number again?
nordic friends: 661 803 3823
haustka1506: pl
haustka1506: ok
nordic friends: its my old aunt's cell phone
nordic friends: I got it when she died
haustka1506: can i call you right now?
nordic friends: yes.
--------CALLS KYLE------
nordic friends: I'm gonna fake an accent
nordic friends: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nordic friends: so drunk and so fun!
-----CONVERSATION WITH ME-----
nordic friends (10:18:45 AM): fuck
nordic friends (10:18:50 AM): CAN I PULL THIS OFF?
OperacionHenesey (10:18:51 AM): be ready
OperacionHenesey (10:18:59 AM): try really hard to do stacy kim
OperacionHenesey (10:19:01 AM): STACY!
OperacionHenesey (10:19:10 AM): but stacie doesnt have a korean accent
OperacionHenesey (10:19:10 AM): shit
OperacionHenesey (10:19:15 AM): just sound annoying
nordic friends (10:19:21 AM): FUCK
nordic friends (10:19:27 AM): um
OperacionHenesey (10:19:30 AM): annoying valley girl
OperacionHenesey (10:19:47 AM): tell him to hold and 3 way call me
OperacionHenesey (10:19:48 AM): ok?
OperacionHenesey (10:19:53 AM): wait dont
OperacionHenesey (10:19:56 AM): hed hear the ring
nordic friends (10:20:00 AM): omg
nordic friends (10:20:09 AM): OMG
nordic friends (10:20:13 AM): this is horrible
nordic friends (10:20:18 AM): "is that stacee?
nordic friends (10:20:23 AM): you sound like man!
OperacionHenesey (10:20:28 AM): hahahaha
nordic friends (10:21:19 AM): omg gold
OperacionHenesey (10:21:55 AM): what?
nordic friends (10:22:57 AM): fuck
OperacionHenesey (10:23:15 AM): oh no
nordic friends (10:23:25 AM): fuck!!!!!!!!
OperacionHenesey (10:23:41 AM): WHAAAAAAT?
OperacionHenesey (10:24:38 AM): pull out
OperacionHenesey (10:24:42 AM): the phone is dying
OperacionHenesey (10:24:48 AM): talk online
nordic friends (10:25:28 AM): oh fuck
OperacionHenesey (10:27:35 AM): kyle this conversation has gone on far too long PULL OUT
nordic friends (10:27:37 AM): i'm fake crying
OperacionHenesey (10:27:41 AM): hahaha
OperacionHenesey (10:27:55 AM): DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME?
OperacionHenesey (10:27:59 AM): WILL IT GET ME FAR?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:04 AM): SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:08 AM): AM I GONNA BE A STAR?
OperacionHenesey (10:28:27 AM): BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! BLEEEEEEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH BLEEEEEEEEEH!
OperacionHenesey (10:29:53 AM): im so fucking curious
nordic friends (10:30:00 AM): GO GET THE HOUSE PHONE
OperacionHenesey (10:30:05 AM): i have it
nordic friends (10:30:09 AM): HOT SHIT HERE
OperacionHenesey (10:33:18 AM): im so scared for you
OperacionHenesey (10:33:31 AM): how the hell has the conversation gone on this long?

if i had a heart

2009-11-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

the evening of halloween, tobias fünke and i went to go see the sounds.

i am loving this evolution

2009-10-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

i was sipping a café au lait at my local coffee haunt last tuesday with my friend, a german foreign exchange student named klaus. we were engaged in a rather fervent discourse surrounding a PBS documentary, which had aired the previous evening. the documentary, titled “tropical hobbits?”, discussed the finding of fossilized body parts in indonesia from a potentially new species, which are being called Homo floresiensis. the dispute concerning the fossils was whether or not they actually represented a new species, or were they perhaps just leprous modern humans with microcephaly, a genetic disorder resulting in an abnormal smallness of the head. an older gentleman who was sitting behind me, and who upon arrival had recklessly obstructed the doorway with his four-volt electric scooter, told me that he too had seen the PBS documentary, and that he could tell me exactly what those fossils were. he seemed somewhat scholarly and well put together, if you discounted the fact that his breath was noticeably redolent of johnnie walker at seven o’clock in the morning. so I leaned in to hear what the tweedy bastard had to say, and after sharing his exceptionally limited wisdom i assured him that the fossils were most likely not “moon people”.

denver museum of nature and science

2009-10-13T23:30:00.001-07:00

whilst strolling the seattle waterfront with his two grandchildren, scanning for shells and beach wood to add to their amateur collection, herman pallifore stumbled upon something he did not expect. as they rounded the point a great beast appeared before them; a dead whale had washed up upon the shore. his grandchildren, drawn to the malodorous scent of the decaying creature, darted into the surf. before he could stop them, they had abruptly halted and fallen backwards into the frigid water, in an obvious act of repulsion. their prepubescent cries pierced the overcast sky, “grandpa! this whale’s got legs!” and as he stumbled past the waves to reach them he saw that the inanimate whale did indeed have small limbs jutting from its pelvic region. how or why this cetacean possessed small, and obviously useless hind limbs was a mystery to herman. being a lifelong commercial real estate dealer, and a somewhat religious man, he naïvely postulated that this was perhaps the devil's work. naïve indeed.

more on japanese fishing practices/and culinary delicasies to come...

my uncle the detective...

2009-10-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

haustka1506 (8:18:57 PM): hey daniel, how are you?
OperacionHenesey (8:19:02 PM): hey
OperacionHenesey (8:19:20 PM): im good
OperacionHenesey (8:19:23 PM): how are you doing
haustka1506 (8:20:40 PM): oh god...
haustka1506 (8:21:46 PM): hey daniel,,,
OperacionHenesey (8:22:31 PM): yes?
haustka1506 (8:23:12 PM): quite awkward isn't it?
OperacionHenesey (8:23:33 PM): what?
OperacionHenesey (8:23:52 PM): what are you talking about?
haustka1506 (8:24:06 PM): ah... you probably know, haha
haustka1506 (8:24:51 PM): we haven't talked to each other for while, since last summer
OperacionHenesey (8:25:26 PM): umm thats not true
haustka1506 (8:25:41 PM): it's not? then?
haustka1506 (8:27:19 PM): well, then let me ask you this...
haustka1506 (8:27:46 PM): what made you change so much from last year? hehe because you obvious did
OperacionHenesey (8:28:09 PM): jay... you ask me this every single time i talk to you it seems
OperacionHenesey (8:28:15 PM): and i answer it every time as well
haustka1506 (8:28:23 PM): that you just don't care
OperacionHenesey (8:28:29 PM): no
haustka1506 (8:28:32 PM): ?
OperacionHenesey (8:28:57 PM): everyone is constantly changing and so if youre not around someone for a while they might have become something youre just not familiar with anymore
haustka1506 (8:29:12 PM): yes?
OperacionHenesey (8:29:28 PM): if you or anyone else hasnt changed to meet myself at where i am at now then there isnt really any way to relate
haustka1506 (8:30:06 PM): then i asked you wrong question
OperacionHenesey (8:30:07 PM): the people i am always with change and alter themselves to mirror myself and myself to them. so for people not around me and my friends they dont really recognize who we become
OperacionHenesey (8:31:01 PM): and if you constantly have to ask why ive changed or ask how ive changed then you seem to not have changed at all and dont seem able to relate
OperacionHenesey (8:31:26 PM): couldnt i ask you everytime, "why havent you changed jay?'
OperacionHenesey (8:31:37 PM): "youre just the same as when i knew you before jay"
OperacionHenesey (8:31:58 PM): find fault wherever you want it but for the grace of God go i
OperacionHenesey (8:36:10 PM): ok? so what do you say?
haustka1506 (8:37:26 PM): understandable
haustka1506 (8:39:17 PM): i see, genereal speaking, how things have been a curse to mankind,
haustka1506 (8:40:24 PM): whether it will happen now or later, things will evolve around, way the nature works
haustka1506 (8:41:14 PM): i can't stop you from doing it, but i could warm you, couldn't i?
haustka1506 (8:41:28 PM): warn*
OperacionHenesey (8:42:00 PM): what the hell are you talking about jay?
haustka1506 (8:42:20 PM): just fact,
haustka1506 (8:42:50 PM): i just feel sorry that's all...
OperacionHenesey (8:42:56 PM): you're not making any sense and in fact i dont think you know what youre trying to say
haustka1506 (8:43:07 PM): maybe not,
OperacionHenesey (8:43:07 PM): sorry about what?
OperacionHenesey (8:43:11 PM): yourself?
haustka1506 (8:43:17 PM): no
haustka1506 (8:43:25 PM): relationship
haustka1506 (8:45:09 PM): i'm still concern, because i can't really ignore you or say hi to you whenever i see you around at the school
OperacionHenesey (8:46:13 PM): why would you IGNORE ME?
haustka1506 (8:46:15 PM): fact that you have influenced me a lot last year...
OperacionHenesey (8:46:23 PM): and why couldnt you say hi?
haustka1506 (8:46:35 PM): WHY do you think?
OperacionHenesey (8:46:38 PM): you seem to be the one with the problem here jay
haustka1506 (8:46:50 PM): one, no
haustka1506 (8:47:04 PM): us, i believe
haustka1506 (8:47:23 PM): or we
haustka1506 (8:47:57 PM): hm... we are going circle,,, aren't we
haustka1506 (8:48:01 PM): quite worthless
haustka1506 (8:48:07 PM): don't you think?

OperacionHenesey (8:48:50 PM): i have no idea what youre on about. so yes you do seem to be moving in a circle
OperacionHenesey (8:49:02 PM): what exactly is the problem?
OperacionHenesey (8:49:09 PM): and why is it such a problem for you?
haustka1506 (8:49:11 PM): i know you do know what's going on here
haustka1506 (8:49:56 PM): didn't i talked about, how much you influenced me last year?
haustka1506 (8:50:12 PM): that's bothers me a lot, Daniel
haustka1506 (8:51:40 PM): i don't understand how you can just uncared for what you have done
OperacionHenesey (8:52:41 PM): what have i done????
haustka1506 (8:52:54 PM): i respect almost all things that you have done for me daniel
OperacionHenesey (8:53:02 PM): i influenced you last year? that was bad?
haustka1506 (8:53:18 PM): personally i think it was good
haustka1506 (8:56:04 PM): don't you remember anything you did for me last year? if not...
OperacionHenesey (8:56:55 PM): yes i do
OperacionHenesey (8:57:17 PM): now... i dont remember why thats relevant to how im a 'horrible person' now
haustka1506 (8:57:37 PM): hahaha
haustka1506 (8:57:43 PM): did i said you are HORRIBLE PERSON?
haustka1506 (8:58:54 PM): whole discussion is relevant to our relationship, and i'm giving you choice whether i should end it or not
OperacionHenesey (8:59:05 PM): WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU END IT?
OperacionHenesey (8:59:14 PM): i dont understand
OperacionHenesey (8:59:29 PM): because im not holding your hand every step you take anymore?
haustka1506 (8:59:51 PM): oh, well, i'm extremely upset, that's why
haustka1506 (8:59:57 PM): and you know this for yourself
OperacionHenesey (9:00:17 PM): upset over WHAT
haustka1506 (9:00:32 PM): WHAT... you know WHAT DANIEL
OperacionHenesey (9:00:34 PM): you just keeping talking in circles without knowing where youre going or why
OperacionHenesey (9:00:45 PM): no i dont!
haustka1506 (9:00:56 PM): oh god yes you do
OperacionHenesey (9:00:58 PM): i dont think you do either because you wont say so
haustka1506 (9:01:12 PM): i can do farther than you think, daniel
haustka1506 (9:01:26 PM): i know enough people around me to make things way i want
haustka1506 (9:02:30 PM): but i'm not, and i don't want to do that FOR YOU, Daniel
haustka1506 (9:02:44 PM): other people, i don't care shit about it,
haustka1506 (9:03:19 PM): well, i tracked it down... sorry
OperacionHenesey (9:03:26 PM): what do you mean 'make things way i want'?
OperacionHenesey (9:03:43 PM): i have no idea what youre trying to say im doing or what you do or what your friends do
haustka1506 (9:04:35 PM): oh, so you want to go over what happened last few weeks or month ago?
haustka1506 (9:04:38 PM): i don't think so,,,
OperacionHenesey (9:05:11 PM): umm if that would give me an understanding of what youre talking about than yes
haustka1506 (9:05:51 PM): hm... you sure?
haustka1506 (9:06:23 PM): you might want to reconsider things
haustka1506 (9:06:49 PM): because i know enough informations to support the incident
OperacionHenesey (9:07:31 PM): jay, will you actually speak CLEARLY and not in mystery
haustka1506 (9:07:49 PM): mystery, you are the mystery daniel
haustka1506 (9:08:36 PM): what made you think you are gonna have whole lot of fun by insulting me
haustka1506 (9:09:11 PM): because things changed around you?
OperacionHenesey (9:09:25 PM): what?
OperacionHenesey (9:09:32 PM): when have i insulted you?
haustka1506 (9:09:47 PM): ...
OperacionHenesey (9:09:59 PM): speak the 'infromations' if you have them because i havent given this the wealth of overthought that you seem to have
haustka1506 (9:10:31 PM): everyone was right about you.. even though you are one of my critical friend
haustka1506 (9:10:59 PM): if you keep going circle like this,,,
haustka1506 (9:11:09 PM): i don't want to talk about it...
OperacionHenesey (9:11:46 PM): jay YOURE GOING IN A CIRCLE BECAUSE YOURE NOT SAYING ANYTHING
haustka1506 (9:11:51 PM): do you think there's any ways we can be friendly friend like last year?
haustka1506 (9:12:09 PM): you are right, i'm not saying anything,
haustka1506 (9:12:26 PM): because you know what's ANYTHING that i'm talking about
OperacionHenesey (9:12:46 PM): what do you really want to say. if you cant say everything in 4 sentences then i have nothing else to say
haustka1506 (9:13:03 PM): i would rather not going over it all,
OperacionHenesey (9:13:14 PM): but youre not going over anything
haustka1506 (9:13:18 PM): because 4 sentences wouldn't be enough to cover
OperacionHenesey (9:13:25 PM): you havent said ONE real example of how ive done anything bad
OperacionHenesey (9:13:37 PM): you just speak of phantom problems and what 'other people' have said
haustka1506 (9:13:44 PM): wow
OperacionHenesey (9:13:51 PM): and avoid saying anything real
haustka1506 (9:14:06 PM): didn't i mensioned i Tracked you guys down...
OperacionHenesey (9:14:22 PM): tracked who jay? tracked what?
haustka1506 (9:14:35 PM): colin's cell
OperacionHenesey (9:14:49 PM): i dont know what youre talking about so please actually TELL me
OperacionHenesey (9:14:58 PM): colin's cell?
haustka1506 (9:14:59 PM): ^^
haustka1506 (9:16:24 PM): well, i'm positive that you know what i'm talking about,
haustka1506 (9:16:24 PM): so
OperacionHenesey (9:16:50 PM): jay... fucking tell me what the hell youre talking about
haustka1506 (9:16:51 PM): can we ignore what had happened in pass, and...
OperacionHenesey (9:17:01 PM): i have no idea what HAPPENED IN PASS
OperacionHenesey (9:17:07 PM): because you wont even talk about it
haustka1506 (9:17:13 PM): hm... ok
haustka1506 (9:17:18 PM): then i will go over it
OperacionHenesey (9:17:28 PM): fucking say what the hell youre talking about and stop acting like some mystique
haustka1506 (9:17:45 PM): but do you have another an hour or half an hour to talk?
OperacionHenesey (9:17:48 PM): tracked? tracked down? who are you?
haustka1506 (9:17:57 PM): who am i?
OperacionHenesey (9:18:07 PM): ... how could what you have to say take that long?
OperacionHenesey (9:18:32 PM): if you talk to the point and stop evading what you want to say than ill listen
haustka1506 (9:18:50 PM): thx,
OperacionHenesey (9:18:50 PM): so stop assuming i have any idea about what youre talking about because youre confusing the shit out of me
haustka1506 (9:19:22 PM): ok, but don't say NO about my points that i'm gonna make
haustka1506 (9:19:33 PM): ok?

OperacionHenesey (9:19:36 PM): jay, youre in no position to make demands right now
haustka1506 (9:21:03 PM): i have a uncle who works for police department,,, even though he is not a police but more likely... um... detective i assume
OperacionHenesey (9:21:35 PM): ok...
OperacionHenesey (9:21:51 PM): what does that have to do with us?
haustka1506 (9:21:57 PM): well, what happened was about Stacie Hume, and she wasn't talking to me in first place
haustka1506 (9:22:04 PM): us, good point daniel
OperacionHenesey (9:22:21 PM): stacie hume?
OperacionHenesey (9:22:27 PM): WHAT?
haustka1506 (9:22:35 PM): hm... wow
OperacionHenesey (9:22:45 PM): keep going
haustka1506 (9:23:17 PM): i have no farther explaination to make for you, if you gonna pretend nothing had happened
OperacionHenesey (9:24:22 PM): ummm ok well keep explaining please
haustka1506 (9:24:34 PM): and this would be our the point of no return
haustka1506 (9:24:58 PM): plz daniel... i would not want this, truthfully...
OperacionHenesey (9:25:10 PM): well keep going and ill listen until youre finished
haustka1506 (9:25:57 PM): ok,,, ok
haustka1506 (9:26:45 PM): i was naively fell for the fake stacie hume...
haustka1506 (9:28:02 PM): and i found out it was colin don's cell that you guys called the night when i visit to her house, which i found out it was Kristina Johnson's
haustka1506 (9:28:09 PM): well, my uncle did
haustka1506 (9:29:37 PM): do you still want to pretend, Daniel, this is enough evidence to prove that it was you guys,,,
haustka1506 (9:29:50 PM): and there's more
OperacionHenesey (9:29:54 PM): colin's phone WHEN?
OperacionHenesey (9:30:05 PM): the call to your house?
OperacionHenesey (9:30:20 PM): that one really late at night jay?
haustka1506 (9:31:07 PM): if i'm not mistaken, it was september 10th that you guys called me twice
haustka1506 (9:31:55 PM): hm... so you DO remember what had happened, i assume
OperacionHenesey (9:32:08 PM): i remember what you TOLD me jay
OperacionHenesey (9:32:16 PM): yes i do remmeber that
haustka1506 (9:32:23 PM): thx,
OperacionHenesey (9:32:34 PM): and your uncle said colin's cell phone called your house?
haustka1506 (9:32:53 PM): haha, not really
haustka1506 (9:32:56 PM): one of his worker did
haustka1506 (9:33:44 PM): he's too busy to even talk me about my minor problem
haustka1506 (9:34:10 PM): well?
OperacionHenesey (9:34:36 PM): i dont care who told you... what did they tell you?
OperacionHenesey (9:34:48 PM): they told you that COLIN called your HOUSE?
OperacionHenesey (9:34:52 PM): or what?
haustka1506 (9:35:14 PM): hm... i don't think they know it's COLIN's but
OperacionHenesey (9:36:04 PM): but what????????
haustka1506 (9:36:04 PM): hm... maybe they do.. i don't remember
haustka1506 (9:36:22 PM): i didn't asked that question... oh darn
OperacionHenesey (9:36:34 PM): jay... youre out of control
OperacionHenesey (9:36:45 PM): did they say colin called your HOUSE or NOT?
haustka1506 (9:36:46 PM): oh yes, i am, thx for realizing it now
haustka1506 (9:37:26 PM): i still have the phone number daniel, what do you think?
OperacionHenesey (9:37:47 PM): WHERE IS IT FROM????????
OperacionHenesey (9:37:52 PM): WHERE DID IT CALL???????
OperacionHenesey (9:37:56 PM): WHAT IS THE NUMBER?????????
haustka1506 (9:38:31 PM): wait wait
OperacionHenesey (9:38:36 PM): CAN YOU GIVE ME FACTS PLEASE, THANKS
haustka1506 (9:39:08 PM): i just want to know if you guys... still want to pretend that you guys didn't
haustka1506 (9:39:36 PM): it doens't matter all those info,, because you could talk to one of my uncle's worker about it
OperacionHenesey (9:39:40 PM): jay fucking tell me some facts please instead of shitting all over the place
OperacionHenesey (9:40:04 PM): why would i talk to one of your uncles workers??????
haustka1506 (9:40:11 PM): do you fucking want me to sue this incident?

OperacionHenesey (9:40:16 PM): jay, unless you have some FACTS i cant answer your questions
haustka1506 (9:40:42 PM): i could easily do what it's fair for me.. but i said it's not fair for you guys, so it just ended there
haustka1506 (9:40:54 PM): hm... questions
OperacionHenesey (9:41:09 PM): ok thanks jay but that still leaves the fact that youre not telling me everything
OperacionHenesey (9:41:28 PM): if you tell me everything you know then i can HELP you
OperacionHenesey (9:41:35 PM): and i wouldnt be so confused and mad
OperacionHenesey (9:41:41 PM): im just trying to understand jay
haustka1506 (9:42:02 PM): same here, daniel, same here
haustka1506 (9:42:31 PM): you wouldn't be so confused or mad about this.. i can't not believe you said that
haustka1506 (9:42:44 PM): i truthfully don't,
haustka1506 (9:42:54 PM): think about my position danil
haustka1506 (9:43:01 PM): if you are me, what would you do???
OperacionHenesey (9:43:05 PM): tell me what you KNOW
haustka1506 (9:43:05 PM): just ignore it...
OperacionHenesey (9:43:17 PM): i would tell you what i know instead of going fucking crazy
haustka1506 (9:43:17 PM): that's enough daniel
haustka1506 (9:43:35 PM): i don't want to tell you what they said about it...
OperacionHenesey (9:43:42 PM): WHY!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@
OperacionHenesey (9:43:54 PM): youre not making sense
haustka1506 (9:43:57 PM): because i still care about what you have DONE for me
haustka1506 (9:44:06 PM): am i not...
OperacionHenesey (9:44:29 PM): ok jay im going to be very specific here
haustka1506 (9:44:41 PM): specific about?

OperacionHenesey (9:44:41 PM): 1st- what was the actual NUMBER that called you
OperacionHenesey (9:44:52 PM): 2nd- where did that number call
haustka1506 (9:45:30 PM): do you really think i still have possessed the number with me
haustka1506 (9:45:47 PM): i handed over to my uncle,
OperacionHenesey (9:45:50 PM): yes!
OperacionHenesey (9:45:59 PM): then HOW did you know it was colin's!?
haustka1506 (9:46:50 PM): i said i don't know it was colin for sure
haustka1506 (9:47:09 PM): but all i know is it was one of colin's friend's
haustka1506 (9:47:30 PM): oh god damn it... why didn't i ask that question again...
haustka1506 (9:47:48 PM): well, daniel.. i think again, we are going circle
OperacionHenesey (9:47:49 PM): how do you know it was one of colin's friends?
OperacionHenesey (9:47:59 PM): only because youre not answering my questions
haustka1506 (9:48:02 PM): well, again my uncle's worker told me
OperacionHenesey (9:48:25 PM): why would the worker think that?
haustka1506 (9:48:33 PM): think... they track it downn
OperacionHenesey (9:48:45 PM): track it down HOW? to WHAT?
haustka1506 (9:48:56 PM): i don't know, you ask them daniel
OperacionHenesey (9:49:29 PM): are you only assuming that because it was kristina's house that it was colin!? is that the only "evidence" that you have?
haustka1506 (9:50:27 PM): i'm not assuming...
haustka1506 (9:50:38 PM): these are all facts that i'm telling you daniel
OperacionHenesey (9:50:57 PM): no theyre not because you dont understand them or even have them anymore
haustka1506 (9:51:03 PM): i got only one question to ask you daniel
OperacionHenesey (9:51:07 PM): you dont HAVE the nbumber
OperacionHenesey (9:51:15 PM): you dont REMEMBER why you got it or HOW
haustka1506 (9:51:29 PM): ...
OperacionHenesey (9:51:34 PM): and you have only convinced YOURSELF tha you have facts but you dont
haustka1506 (9:52:11 PM): daniel...
OperacionHenesey (9:52:28 PM): so unless you answer my questions jay i wont stand for your facade of arguements
haustka1506 (9:52:52 PM): remember i don't want any harm on you
haustka1506 (9:53:33 PM): again i truthfully don't, that why i don't want to sue this incident
OperacionHenesey (9:53:44 PM): you have nothing to sue ABOUT!
haustka1506 (9:53:47 PM): and my uncle's worker told me it's minor problem for them...
OperacionHenesey (9:53:56 PM): i dont know why youd think you did
OperacionHenesey (9:54:09 PM): then tell me why you could please
haustka1506 (9:54:27 PM): i was out of control,,, that you guys were playing around with me on online
haustka1506 (9:54:41 PM): and insulting by the phone...
OperacionHenesey (9:55:35 PM): but you dont even remember why you think that
OperacionHenesey (9:55:44 PM): you dont KNOW it was colin's phone
OperacionHenesey (9:55:48 PM): you said that yourself
haustka1506 (9:55:53 PM): think that i wanted to sue you and your friends?
haustka1506 (9:56:06 PM): nope i don't
haustka1506 (9:56:28 PM): but i know nordic friends was clearly Colin Don's
OperacionHenesey (9:56:43 PM): ok, HOW do you know that clearly?
haustka1506 (9:57:01 PM): again, they can track those ID down...
haustka1506 (9:57:29 PM): hm... sorry if i don't make sense on wording sentence...
OperacionHenesey (9:57:37 PM): ok, NOW we're getting somewhere
OperacionHenesey (9:58:59 PM): so you think colin pretended to be stacie humes?
haustka1506 (10:00:37 PM): NO
haustka1506 (10:00:47 PM): i don't think he is pretending
haustka1506 (10:01:26 PM): i know by evidence colin was pretending,
OperacionHenesey (10:01:48 PM): jay you just obviously contradicted yourself
haustka1506 (10:01:48 PM): daniel...
OperacionHenesey (10:02:05 PM): haustka1506 (10:00:47 PM): i don't think he is pretending
haustka1506 (10:01:26 PM): i know by evidence colin was pretending,
OperacionHenesey (10:02:13 PM): you dont think and you do?
haustka1506 (10:03:15 PM): i do
haustka1506 (10:03:17 PM): ...
haustka1506 (10:03:21 PM): apparently
OperacionHenesey (10:03:49 PM): then how am i involved in this!?
haustka1506 (10:04:12 PM): how you are... is that even right question?
haustka1506 (10:04:47 PM): i mean you obviously laughing at me when you guys called me on the day Semptember 10th...
OperacionHenesey (10:05:14 PM): OBVIOUSLY?????????????? jay nothing you have said tonight is obvious to anyone but you
haustka1506 (10:05:26 PM): ... god damn it
haustka1506 (10:05:43 PM): my uncle's worker track everything down
OperacionHenesey (10:05:49 PM): did your uncles worker verify that my voice was on the line jay?
OperacionHenesey (10:05:50 PM): hmmm?
haustka1506 (10:05:56 PM): i do not know how where they did it
OperacionHenesey (10:05:58 PM): i wasnt on a phone
haustka1506 (10:06:00 PM): but they know it for sure
OperacionHenesey (10:06:01 PM): and i never called you
OperacionHenesey (10:06:06 PM): or laughed on said phone call
OperacionHenesey (10:07:32 PM): so how can you say i was?
haustka1506 (10:08:02 PM): that you were laughing?
haustka1506 (10:08:20 PM): because it recorded
haustka1506 (10:08:34 PM): and i have heard it for sure
OperacionHenesey (10:08:47 PM): and how would you know who it was?
haustka1506 (10:09:42 PM): sorry for not asking who was actually calling me, but i remember they mensioning they know it's one of my friends
haustka1506 (10:09:47 PM): and how they know,,, i don't know
OperacionHenesey (10:10:03 PM): ok so you have no proof it was me jay, and it wasnt
haustka1506 (10:10:07 PM): they must have these whole system that track every signal
OperacionHenesey (10:10:11 PM): so dont say it was please because i wouldnt do that
haustka1506 (10:10:36 PM): you wouldn't...
haustka1506 (10:11:56 PM): i remember you said something arkward to random person with Alex John's cell phone, and Alex got grounded that night...
OperacionHenesey (10:12:52 PM): jay... youre just acting really paranoid and making conclusions
OperacionHenesey (10:13:09 PM): although you DO have some evidence it sounds you dont know that much
OperacionHenesey (10:13:24 PM): so youre confusing me and confusing yourself and not making sense
haustka1506 (10:13:25 PM): i don't? hm...
OperacionHenesey (10:13:45 PM): so... i have a lot to do and youre not really doing a good job explaining so im going to go
OperacionHenesey (10:13:58 PM): talk to me in person because it should be easier to understand
haustka1506 (10:13:59 PM): yes
haustka1506 (10:14:20 PM): i gtg do my hw too...
haustka1506 (10:14:26 PM): well, i think it's ended
haustka1506 (10:15:05 PM): i don't want to talk about this anymore, because you want some stupid answers and i want our relationship to be friendly again
haustka1506 (10:15:28 PM): so i guess i have to give up that relationship
haustka1506 (10:15:47 PM): sorry if i made you feel worse... i tried not to at the beganning
OperacionHenesey (10:16:02 PM): jay youre acting like psycho so talk to me in person please
OperacionHenesey (10:16:14 PM): and i want only whats REASONABLE
haustka1506 (10:16:17 PM): um.. you know me daniel
OperacionHenesey (10:16:28 PM): ok goodbye
haustka1506 (10:16:35 PM): well, it's over for me
haustka1506 (10:16:42 PM): good bye

so many foreign worlds

2009-06-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

if you've been fortunate enough to enter the forbidden palace (i.e. the apartment), you've perhaps come into visual contact with "denim menace" that was our slip-covered couch. if you were really fortunate you sat down on the coffee-stained beast, and you may or may not have cringed at the thought of what lay beneath the faded denim epidermis that poorly encased the rest of the connective tissues and wooden skeleton. if you were supremely lucky you and bill cosby went halfsies on a gross (= 144) of strawberry banana "hood-rat vodka" jello shooters and you got to wake up lying in the strong rarms of the blue man group's ex-basement lounge piece.

approximately thirty six days ago i stuck an antler-veneered pocket knife (which i actually found in the humanities garden on campus when conducting an EM-38 survey with my digital archaeology class...) into the foremost part of the couch's arm, the homologue of a human humerus. it so happens that when i pulled the knife out, instead of a steady, tarantinian stream of wood chips and cheap poly filler that one would expect the damn thing actually clotted. the demin-fibrin scab that formed on top of the deep incised wound indicated that my obnoxious, physiological descriptions of the couch were based in "RL", which is the slang that the kids who live in the 'world' use when talking about extra-'world' things. this effing thing is actually alive (i know, right mary shelley?). following this discovery, i took the steps that any perfectly sane would in the same situation, i ate a grilled cheesed sandwich (a perfectly sane food to eat) and schemed. how best to kill the beast? matches? prescription pain pills? oil? in the end i decided that i would use the antler-veneered pocket knife to cut out the heart of the couch, eat the heart, and then bury the empty vessel in an indian grave yard (i know of one in close proximity to gallup, new mexico...a short drive from denver). i could not, however, go forward with the ritual, as tito informed me that he was taking (his) couch with him up to boulder to reside in his new apartment. an argument ensued. as much as i hated the thing, the prospect of having no couch seemed worse than having a denim one. my contention was that having maintained and utilized the couch for the better part of a year i was as much its parent as he was, and he countered by saying, "hey asshole, i own this couch." having completely discredited his argument by calling me an asshole, we had to call in an impartial judge and...yada...yada...yada...i said that i would gratefully take a sawed in half section of the couch and in doing so lost all custody, the judge citing my desire to "...see harm come to the child." fuck it, i don't need a couch, i'll put a chair and a small table in the front of my television (so that when you sit down in the center of the rather large room you'll feel generally like someone who hides the bodies of their family members the walls of his home).

i need a couch. and luckily after using my powers of persuasion i was able to recruit courtney into spending her morning on craigslist, where she promptly found this lovely camelback couch for $75 dollars. the seventy-five dollar price tag was accompanied by two strangely innocuous photographs, showing only a small corner of the couch that was used by the owner's cat as a clawing post. to me this indicated that the couch was either serving as a cat urine sponge in the home of the two owners, or they are just nice, well off and would like a couch in their living room not scarred by the talons of a fell beast. felling optimistic, we rented a u-haul, drove to franktown, and about an hour later discovered that the couch was in almost pristine condition. courtney bought a coffee table from them.

juice by sarah juice by sarah juice by sarah, new couch!

the boat times.

2009-05-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

i found this lurid police officer crime sketch lingering at the bottom of the "photographs" folder on my desktop. as we close in on the final two weeks, of the last quarter of the year, this sick, dead, "jeffery dahmer-esque (excepting all of the half eaten men in the freezer and hydrochloric acid barrel)" son of a bitch epitomizes how i feel right now...like i'm sixteen feet underwater trying to get my kicks in a homemade asphyxiatory contraption, which handily employs a clear plastic jump suit, a pair of ski boots bolted to a 1x1 meter square of plywood, a hockey mask, chains, a twenty-three dollar yellow plastic boat from walmart, silicone tubing, and finally the jury-rigged floating red plastic gas container. when i wake up in the morning i feel like i can’t breathe, much like this man couldn’t in his final moments (not due to the whole act of sexual asphyxia, but rather the inherent flaw in the design of his "sexy-times lake boat penile codpiece device"…the one-way breathing tube). yeah, that’s how it feels. i can only hope that when the police find my bloated, homogenized body that the small lake fish won’t yet have pecked my lips/ears off, and also that significant shrinkage hasn’t occurred, thus sparing me post-mortem embarrassment in case the morgue employee on duty is the foxy vice-direhcteur sphortif of the women’s colavita cycling team. unlikely, yes, but i did once fall into a sand pit on a beach right across the street from the pua’kei deli where i was immediately transported to midtown manhattan, but not the manhattan as we know it today but to some alternate dimension manhattan, where in 1997 it had been walled off and turned into a high security prison ruled by imprisoned warlords and methamphetamine addicts. after something like that happens to you it sort of shakes up the notion of implausibility. it also makes you realize that your calf tattoo with the lizards wrapped around a 52-toothed chain ring probably will make you someone's bitch if you end up in real prison. that's why i decided to put a big skull around the whole thing, and a cobra that is coming out of the eyes of the skull and eating one of the lizards...who is now wielding a small butterfly knife, and putting up a decent fight until he realizes it's a spitting cobra and he isn't wearing his oakley m-frames.

cool sketch, eh.

i tend to be one of those people who will use tai chi and other asian herbal remedies to exorcise stress from my body periodically, however, stress evasion can only last so long before there’s no amount of five pagodas powder in the world to keep it at bay. at this moment i’ve reached the tipping point, i’ve strayed but a little and fallen off the edge of the eleven-forged knife. although i’ve admittedly never tried asphyxiating myself in a crude, sexual manner it’s possible that it could be a great way to get rid of unwanted stress, brain cells, and dignity. kind of a convoluted way to ‘unwind’ in my opinion, i prefer the “old fashioned” way. a sugar cube, two dashes of bitters, a teaspoon of maraschino cherry syrup, three ounces of classy, expensive bourbon, club soda, ice, and a twist of tangelo rind. …and speaking of underground 1920’s drinking establishments i recently celebrated my twenty first birthday, belatedly, in a fashion befitting a true sorority girl. all of the necessary elements were present in their necessary ratios, much like how you need one carbon molecule, four hydrogens, and an oxygen in the right arrangement to create methanol, a simple chemical compound that will turn you into a miserable, dying version of ray charles, which is to say ray charles during the ‘heroine phase’. there were blue and red jello shots, lots of other drunk guys, red bull, mystery booze carbonated punch, cake, and the crux of it all…projectile vomit, which obviously presented itself later in the evening. as a former child star (see “ke huy kwan”, “the goonies”, or “indiana jones” on imdb) i know what it’s like to wake up in a pool of one’s own vomit, but i won’t lie even after waking up the morning after splitting three bottles of strawberry boone’s farm with feldman, i’ve never felt like this. it was almost as if for one night i became fully asian, and fully incapable of metabolizing alcohol, and fully lacking any acetylaldehyde dehydrogenase molecules. right around twelve i became aware of my…impairment, shortly thereafter i sprayed devyn’s toilet bowl, the floor, and the lower parts of my black pants with what looked like a bowl of acidic-smelling beef ramen soup, sans the noodles, but with the reconstituted multi-colored vegetables. i was promptly put into bed, to awake promptly six hours later (vomit again) and ride home on a boosted white bicycle. the apartment that ted and i will be living in next year was unlocked, covered in butter (?) and saltines, and reeking of jello. nobody was home, and i choked down a piece of bread, took a shower, brushed my teeth with a steel wool toothbrush (that i had lying around from my days on the 4H circuit) several times, and then took off (sober) in my car to pick up kiddos for our archaeology field trip. i ended up having to pick up some generic pepto-bismol in boulder, on our way up to sunshine canyon, which in retrospect was a mistake because it only made my vomit look all the more bizarre, and perhaps effeminate, to the rest of the class when i lost it in front of them. later that night, when all of our survey and excavation was complete it became less bizarre to everyone (professor included) as i recounted the misfortuitous events of the evening prior…

thank you ted, eric, rabah, and anonymous.

...a lugubrious droll...

2009-02-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

this blog is not dead, just in hibernation like mount saint helens (who one day will awake from her slumber and belch plumes of noxious, pyroclastic death, which she will irradiate the pacific northwest with. she'll pummel them with pumice, and when the recovery is over they'll stick it back to her when cleaning the calcium deposits off the edges of their pools, wearing european water suits...and such will be this blog. it's going to hit you like a charlie mingus/ella fitzgerald/nickleback jazz-rock fusion ensemble, sir. you be ready for that day because it's coming).

realistically, i have decided that since i don't have time right now (at the end of winter quarter) to start updating again it only seems rational to participate in something i once described as "representing the downfall of american society"...as if there weren't enough of those already (e.g. the third hour of the today show, sweatpants, people who don't like jazz, and the economy). i am temporarily moving over here...

http://twitter.com/HowardTJMoon ...tell your friends.

other people who should tweet with me (twss): eric moore, tito, kyle d'auria, ben quinn, professor conyers, and there are probably loads more.
...it doesn't contribute to the degradation of society if we ALL do it.

today i turn in a load of final assignments, but i'm not too worried about it after reading about ted's day, i don't think i would be possible for things to get effed worse than that.

for Cindy Wool

2008-12-02T22:06:00.001-08:00

it happened again.

2008-11-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

i woke up from my benadryl induced nap seven minutes ago and i think i had better eat some cereal. my body went into full on red, rashy, puffy grossness after a cyclocross race outside of boulder this afternoon. i took off all of my clothes to take a shower when we had finally returned to denver and i now wish i had taken a photograph because my whole body looked as if it had been colonized (colin-ized :) by the "red plague" (see also, "red mung").

bonfire of the vanity fairs, trading a rolex for an atladl, and norman, tricia, and grandparents.

2008-11-13T08:50:00.001-08:00

denver museum of art with a cossje van bruggen and claes oldenburg.

post-theatre cocktails and treats, one of the waiters was persuaded to eat ice cream with us.

more ice cream, this time made by a three foot seven man who toils away on the top floor of this giant milk pail. waking up early, drinking bailey's, and making ice cream. that's how he does it, three hundred and twenty five days out of the plutonian year.

breakfast (pancakes, eggs, and syrup) with cindy and tara.

"the timeless art of sedution"

the gray foxes were frolicking over all of the bread. red-staurant.

i may or may not have been in last place in this race. i actually do not think that i was, but it certainly did not go well. i will blame poor performance on the fact that i was pre-occupied with looking good for the camera, as my friend bryce was shooting away throughout the race. "oh, there's bryce at the sand pit...okay, look euro look euro, pretend you're not working hard...don't breathe through your mouth. wipe the vomit off your lower lip."

:) - insert name (verb) here.

eric moore - "...i strive to one day be a dave towle "rider of the apocalypse"."

"i'd ask for a sharpie and a bucket of ice"

2008-11-03T19:29:00.001-08:00

i just overheard this conversation in the library. i was sitting in a corner using the library's internet to watch "frida" for my art history class, and much to my chagrin these pseudo-athletic business school fuckers sat beside me...and started discussing pressing matters (camel toe, facebook, why bitches ain't shit, and "fucking, fuck, ass, whore"[their 'bro vernacular']).

"i got better things to do than vote for his ass" [his ass a reference to barack obama's ass]

"yea, son that's why i didn't register to vote"

"word"

...not sad necessarily because they're under the age of thirty and they don't want to vote for barack obama, but because they don't want to vote. what the fuck. if i was the bitchy, supercilious kid at the coffee shop that writes in his journal, i would say kids at du for the most part are big douche bags (edit: 16% of them). most of them (60%) are majoring in business, most of them (50%) are uninterested in actually learning, and most of them (80%) spend their time working in groups...getting their work done "together". too often i find myself unable to tolerate my fellow classmates, and this is a vent because i was sorely tempted, while i was trying to watch this film, to turn around and ask them to please shut the fuck up.

wet jigsaw puzzles, the arctic tundra, and my spanish uncle.

2008-10-21T18:39:00.001-07:00

i just bought a three pound bag of haribo gummy bears from cost plus world market. i've noticed that you can get a five pound bag if you order them from this link provided at their website, but this is the biggest quantity you can get at cost plus. lloyd braun told me about them. is it just me or is that a lot of gummy bears? that's a lot of gummy bears! the plan? lay them out on a tarp in my room for three weeks and have the miserably dry denver air suck all of the water content out of them. once their hard enough to break teeth they'll be ready for consumption...at the cinema, on twenty-five mile per hour cycle rides, in the library where i am right now, at candlelit dinners with tito and eric, and of course in my [honda] cervix.

man is born alone, and he should celebrate that day alone...in somber isolation.

2008-09-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

before leaving tucson i covered myself in sweat and visited a famous astronomical observatory called kitt peak.

i moved in to a new apartment with "tito" (taylor), a genetically modified human from the future who lives sometimes in brekenridge, colorado. "oh, yeah my friend races for this team garmin-chipotle that finished fourth at the tour de france and you know its no big deal sometimes i train with him and jonathan vaugters, but um you know its like they pay him to ride for them but its not a big deal..."

i started taking classes in the disciplines of archaeology, human nature, art history, and electro-jazz funk.

the japanese stole my idea for an elevator to space. i recently discovered that this is popular science's idea.

i visited the freemasons temple with eric moore and found nicholas cage hiding in the catacombs.

i received a new cyclocross bike after my old one was whored out to some serial killing berk by ben quinn.

i raced my new cyclocross bike.

i went to see sigur ros play...

...with that asshole ben quinn.

i drew some pictures.

this is why you should not try to run a marathon and generally why running is "dumb".

I WON I WON I WON.

2008-08-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

time trial this weekend up mount lemmon.

colin... you blow hard.

2008-07-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

(lame summer update).

what seems like for-ev-er ago i was at the northern rim of the grand canyon working on an ongoing (eighteen years) research project that studies the behavioral patterns of my mormon extended family, to include non-nuclear aunts, uncles, and progeny. what do they eat for breakfast? why do they criticize the sinners of the family (myself) for polluting their bodies with chemicals/poison (coffee), while midway through taking advantage of a can of "caffeine-free" coca cola [ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, caramel color(?), trihydroxidooxidophosphorus...]? why do they have thirty-two chromosomes like that tang-lovin' lance armstrong asshole? why do they keep giving me shirts for christmas that have red "A"'s sewn onto the left breast? why do they have a picture of joseph smith (the spanish conquistador that romanced/seduced/enslaved pochahontas) above their mantlepiece? why haven't they read "under the banner of heaven" yet? joke...i love my family, but reserve the right to criticize their peculiarities, with examples to include refusing to do the caffeine thing, being lazy on sundays and attempting to allow others to do so by not going "out" all day except to church, wearing strange white undergarments under their overgarments, not bringing their own b to a b.y.o.b picnic, being really into milk, having more children then toes... wait, this guy is mormon also, right? if my extended family represents the far right of the weird and pious, then surely he must be situated at the far left, consequently providing ballast to a ship constructed out of pixie stix dust, microwave ovens, and elmer's school paste by romanian orphans. i have also never considered that perhaps even as christians or jews my family would still be eerie as indiana, and maybe it isn't fair to nail it all under the banner of mormonism. (again a joke, as i am fully aware that mormons too leaf off of the incestuous tree of christian religious denominations).

...?...

oh, i remember...

okay, in reality the project i have been consumed with every summer for the last eighteen years is a study of "how effing great bats are", coincidentally the title of the research paper. in concordance with annual ritual i hike out to the canyon's edge, approximately sixty-four meters south of my cabin, late at night armed with a camera, a pen/research log, a police issue "COPS signature series" flashlight, a large fishing net, and a can of deer mace. only problem with bats is that they are somewhat of a tricky species, due to their nocturnal(werewolfesque) nature. i can't really make out much in the dark most of the time unless i squint real hard in the light of a full moon or make use of the flashlight...and i know what you're thinking, but the whole net thing is to a greater extent rooted in tradition than actual function these days. i managed to capture a bat using the net in the summer of '99, but was quickly bitten in the lower stomach and sent to utah for a series of rabies shots, which also would not have happened in this day and age because since '99 nighttime bat research attire has also changed drastically to now include shoes and a shirt. regardless, i don't need meaningless visual information to study bats, although once in a while it might be nice so that all of the drawings in my research log don't keep looking like pictures of the mothman drawn by richard gere's unhinged wife. speaking of moths, entomologists hate bats, and not for the reason you might think... namely that they are more sexually successful. actually, during my latest eye examination i was waiting for the effects of the dilating eye drops to kick in and was reading this article in some amateur bug collector children's magazine, called "BUGZ RULE", about crime and how adolescent bats have been breaking into entomology departments in universities across the country. the target of these raids? bug collections.

:)

the real fact is that in the last eighteen years my research has yielded less useful facts about bats than the ones in this book, which i read as a child and may have plagiarized heavily in all of those unpublished papers that i submitted to "nature".

passing through flagstaff on the way back from the grand canyon i stopped for a somewhat impromptu bike race and I WON I WON I WON...the category three road race, and i think i placed sixth in the hill climb, which yielded second place in the omnium. yes it was quite neat, and after throwing countless hours and money from my parents (joke) into cycling it was nice to get something back in the form of two checks with a sum totaling two hundred and twenty five dollars, which paid for food and my share of the gas on the car ride home.

weeks later i found myself fishing in alaska with fourteen of my fathers closest colleagues and some of their sons. as one of the only non-fisherman i was unsuccessful in catching fish for several hours, and no joke i made a deal with some sort of benevolent god of the salmon [and the captain of our boat] that i would consume the beating heart of the fish that would grab my line, and in doing so allow its memory to live on and be preserved in my lower intestine for-ev-er. this was dumb as ten minutes later i was eating the pulsating brussel sprout-sized heart of a king salmon.

in order to make some more money, and thusly fund cyclocross and my chemical habits this fall, i agreed to take care of the pets of our family friend about a month ago. in the span of a month i was asked by three other families to do the same thing...all approximately during the same two week period. i have been cleaning up feces, hating animals, and regretting my decisions ever since.

mister darcie, where've you been?

2008-06-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

i've now been eighteen times. update coming soon.

a continuation of the whole "list" theme, ben and i thought "shit cyclists think and do" might be entertaining.

2008-05-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

1. You think any idiot that goes to the gym/has an upper body must be a mothalicka from the east coast and is "dumb", also people with pectoral muscles probably have self-esteem issues.
2. You have energy food preferences, and a product called "Hammer Gel" only semi-repulses you.
3. If given the chance between winning a race and hooking up with someone like Charlize Theron/Scarlett Johansson/Mara Abbott, you would choose crossing a line and throwing your hands in the air..."I WON I WON I WON!"
4. You think this web log is sometimes entertaining.
5. Allen Lim is one of the most influential characters of the twenty first century.
6. You don't worship Lance Armstrong, who is sort of a dick.
7. Instead you worship a kid named Kiel, who would kick Lance Armstrong's cancer-fightin', yellow-lovin' ass.
8. You prefer the photos on Velonews, over the CyclingNews ones, because you can scroll through them just by clicking on the photo.
9. You went out and bought two liters of grape-flavoured Pedialyte in preparation for a time trial, Allen Lim used cool, scientific lingo to say it was a good idea.
10. You think triathletes are gross, disgusting, foul human beings who lack class and urinate on themselves, they also probably do their dishes in the bathtub.
11. You think long-sleeved skinsuits are a good idea, and like the way they feel on your body.
12. You've been to a club where people wee on each other.
13. You can ride a bike a hundred miles safely and then crash at five miles per hour getting onto a bike path.
14. You think that road rash scars are all part of life's rich tapestry.
15. You refer to your car as "that thing that gets me to races".
16. Your jersey tan line never really goes away.
17. You have alienated many family members and friends by 'flaking' out on them to get some chamois time in.
18. You can't wait until "DZ's Nuts" hits the market.
19. You also perhaps started rocking the DZ cappuccino stain after watching ToC Velonews interviews, but soon regretted doing so.
20. You think the entire month of July should be considered a holiday, so you wouldn't have to skip work to watch the tour.
21. You think the BikeSnobNYC, although often times right, is probably a huge weenie and a shitty racer.
22. After being warned by the grandmotherly owner of the Cozy Cottage that it was not possible to eat three of her famous fruit and nut pancakes you proved her wrong by doing so...then you spent six hours riding them off.
23. You're emaciated and thirty pounds underweight, but persistently tell people you're getting heavy. Your name is Steve Forbes.

...Are we missing something, hit up the "comments"...

'nationals excuses' - email sent mostly from ben quinn's inbox...

2008-05-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

If you have anymore decent excuses post them in the "comments".

1. I don't know if the elevation really affected me, but my resting heart rate is like 135 bpm and it is usually around 42 bpm.
2. I granted myself on the climb and everyone, including my team, attacked me because they didn't want to ride near me.
3. (your excuse) I was too busy hooking up with Mara Abbott all night to worry about sleep...C'MON.
4. LEEROY JENKINS.
5. My nerves were frayed because I couldn't take my usually bong hits as there was a threat of a USADA administered drug test.
6. My coach filled my neutral feed waterbottles with diet coke because he thought I was that Emo kid who liked diet coke a lot (me), why don't you drink real coke Colin...C'MON.
7. My non-carbon, non-tubular wheels don't spin fast on downhills thus I got dropped(me).
8. I am a wafer thin thus can't go downhill(me), am I too skinny Colin? make an assessment.
- i don't rightly know sir.
9. LEERROOOY JENKINS (me).
10. I didn't get a push from steve forbes (me).
11. Some mothalicka crashed his bike in front of mine causing me to fall on my ass. (me)
12. Grabowski hates emo kids (me) and kittens.
13. Some Emo kids adjusted my seat, only to mark where it was with a pencil...then they went off, carved out an emo stencil of the president missing his eyes(?), spray painted it all over the place, put on eye-liner, and then pretended to slit their wrists using a plastic knife and ketchup packets. (me)
14, People kept singing me songs off the new Modern Romance album during the road race and it threw me off (me). If you know who modern romance is you have just dated yourself.
15. Spent too much time the week before nationals sucking on the funky teet.
16. Missed the race because I was at Old Gregg's Place drinking Baileys.
17. I went past the feed zone and Corey held out a water bottle with a gel, and then as I was about to grab it he pulled it away, ripped open the gel, ate it, and drank most of the contents of the bottle. On the next lap he handed me a warm can of peach iced tea, commenting, "You're gonna hate it.".

(me) = ben quinn

dear family members,
we may talk about doing drugs a lot, but i assure you its all talk...for most of us. for more education on the dangers of drug use see this page.

sincerely,
colin

the 2008 collegiate road national championships in fo-co...didn't win that shit.

2008-05-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

university of denver mexican food cycling squad nationals death posse + tito's mom - ben quinn - joe lewis - dana perkins = i want to kick ass so bad.

our friendly female server failed to realize that the fried, cinnamon-sugar "birthday" crisp, a la mode, she just handed to the asian kid, who oddly reminds her of that mechanical genius - data - from "the goonies", will almost be entirely consumed by the sinister looking fellow sitting to his left. "you're eating it all wrong dammit!" look at all the empty liquid crack glasses in front of him.

"fuck, i feel strung out on calories, i can't believe i broke down and ate food. damn it!...there was nothing i could do! it was so hard, i had to eat! fucking grabowski. you would have done the same thing, it was just a few energy gels and some electrolyte beverage. i think i'll just vomit it out, it doesn't count if you don't digest. my bibs are already starting to feel tight around my waist. eating = dumb. screw you for judging me."

teamwork!

ben was telling me about this nightmare of his...

tito - "gasp, gasp, gasp...i'm so tired, this is so hard...ugh... FALSE, this is not difficult. where's that emo ben quinn kid? c'mon forbesy"

steve - "...my name's - gasp - tito, and i have a - gasp - VO2 max of nine hundred...i think my break is rubbing..."

grant - "...well this skinsuit is going in the garbage..."

(*note: without "turbo back pats" from steve forbes, eric moore and colin don both would have needed new chamois after the crit.)

colin - "i think we should start out (relatively) easy before we fully tighten the vice."

tito - "false."

(taylor kneuven muttering to himself in background) - "colin don. dumb."

when asked if i had the proper documentation to board the "pain train", I vomited all over myself.

grant - "all aboard the pain train!"

CRITERIUM! fast, dangerous, flat, and mildy fun.

katie ronsse - age 22(?), rumored to house a pack of sled dogs in her refrigerator-cooled underground denver moose lodge. from alaska, fast, and looks good in a cycling kit.

eric moore! - age 21, likes dave towle's witty commentary (i.e. "...wattage cottage!...danger will robinson!...this group is strung out like a runway model...the sandstorm fucking comes out of nowhere bombing the hill!...").

benjamin haffey quinn III - age unknown (older-ish?), eats on the weekends, listens to bands like 'as i lay dying', mountain goat who enjoys working against gravity.

steve! forbes! - age 23, "colin don is in trouble?! i'm on it.", all around awesome, also enjoys doing hood rat astronaut anti-matter gravity sucks! shit.

colin don - age 20, interested in the twin disciplines of jazz and stationary management. used fifty nine safety pins, seven feet of electrical tape, eight twist ties, and three hours to attach race numbers to jersey and bicycle. "that race number on the back of his bicycle is so pro looking."

fun fact:
***we learned a cool new drinking game from the kids at MIT, its called "pythagoras!", and essentially you recite digits of pi in a circular clockwise manner with your friends. if you miss a digit, you take a shot...of booze and/or diet coke (liquid crack). it's not so much a 'drinking game' for the MIT kids as it is a five hour recitation of the digits of pi. try it with friends! and be the first to solve the theorem!***

despite my advances, neither of these fleeting weekend romances came to fruition...yet.

(daniel)

(mara)

some say he can read braile with his toes!

2008-05-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

kirk is not to be trusted in these matters, kirk is a violent and sexually deranged being from the 4th dimension.

2008-05-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

...kirk, is it true that you are still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind.

brule's rules.

2008-05-05T23:34:00.001-07:00

(in other news...rabbit mountain time trial = won that shit. don't bother looking at the times, nothing to see there.)

if only ben quinn had a web log...

2008-05-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

(...a thorough discussion of cycling excuses...)

1. My Extendor valve Broke.

2. I didn't have my ID so they didn't let me into the Academy.

3. I am like two days away from getting pneumonia.

4. For like 3 weeks every spring I get these really bad allergies and can't breathe.

5. When asked if I was ready to hammer, I vomited all over myself.

6. I've got pink eye, gangrene, melanoma, that david millar sun allergy thing, count choculitis, and/or lice.

7. My brake was rubbing.

8. Acid+Crits = totally tweaking out.

9. I only used 4 pins on my race number.

10. Ryan Belew farted in front of me.

11. I saw Kiel at the start line, immediately gave up, and committed "hari kiel".

12. Diarrhea.

13. Explosive Diarrhea.

14. Cramps (menstrual or otherwise).

15. Totally Bonked.

16. Too many bong hits this week.

17. I got blacked out drunk and hooked up with D(wight) and am too embarrassed to go to the race this weekend.

18. I didn't get much training in this week as I have a new hobby, rollerblading around Wash Park in skinsuits two inches from my buddies ass.

19. Dehydration.

20. Someone in the peloton was freakin ripe, and I couldn't take it anymore.

21. My chain feel off while i was trying to shift into my 11.

22. Norovirus.

23. Fucking Grabowski.

24. I got blacked out drunk, hooked up with Cass, who I thought was D(wight), and thus, am too embarrassed to come to the race this weekend.

25. I forgot that I had a meeting with Dr. Fünke, my Analrapist.

26. I have an unhealthy obsession with Anne Spalding.

27. I accidentally filled my water bottles with coagulated sheep blood.

28. Eric Moore ate all the strawberry energy gels, which is the only flavor I eat.

29. I forgot my vise at home.

30. I don't ride hard, or wear clothes for that matter, on casual friday.

31. I smoked a pack of real cigarettes with my hood rat friends and my lungs are bleeding.

Best Real cycling excuses...

I suck right now.
I couldn't breathe because I am in shitty shape.
I saw Kiel at the start line and immediately gave up.
Explosive Diarrhea.
I don't ride my bike enough, thus am extremely slow.
Bonking, dehydration, I would argue cramps only because it was my reason for quitting the Durango crit but is debatable.
I got blacked out drunk and hooked up with D(wight) and am too embarrassed to go to the race this weekend.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space...to the world of the MIGHTY BOOSH.

eric, add wyoming to the "things that can go f*** themselves" list.

2008-04-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

...also on the "things that can go f*** themselves list"...

- jicama

- organic retrosynthetic analysis

- argyle in the collegiate peloton

- people that are always full of grant.

cycling team TRAPPED IN THE ICE!

2008-04-26T07:20:00.001-07:00

beat that trout sniffer. amy and devyn want to know if we want to go bowling later...tito - "no."

this post is going to turn into me just grant-ing photos all ova the place. note the use of the verb "grant". :)

dumb.

among other things, i was, semi-recently, molested by this kid's ugly, champagne coloured, orv.

2008-04-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

i know, what are the chances, right?

ladies and gentlemen, i've traveled over half our state to be here tonight. i couldn't get away sooner because my new well was coming in at coyote hills and I had to see about it. that well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. i have two others drilling and i have sixteen producing at antelope. so, ladies and gentlemen, if I say i'm an oil man you will agree. you have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you're not careful. out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your lots, maybe one in twenty will be oilmen; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and the oilmen-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. even if you find one that has money, and means to drill, he'll maybe known nothing about drilling and he'll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you're depending on a contractor that's trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. this is the way this works.

yes. i really liked "there will be blood". daniel plainview's (daniel day-lewis) affinity for milkshake consumption closely mirrors my own affinity for "tha milkshake" (zach valdez). speaking of whom is now a cat 2...in texas, which i suppose is some sort of cat 4 equivalent in the rest of the continental u.s., and likely in hawaii and alaska as well. i bet milkshakes in texas are huge. i bet you can't drink them in a single sitting, unless of course you are from texas, in which case everything is not 'bigger' to you because you are equally huge (logic(?)). my roommate from texas showed me his passport from texas and i decided that people from texas should have passports three times the size as the passports the rest of us use, and their passports should be magenta (...wait, magenta is too "fuhkin' kweer", how about red, white, & blue?), yes american flag colored. sorry people from texas, but you have done this to yourselves. AND speaking of things from texas that suck, i hate to say it, but milkshake is sucking big time these days. he is getting pulled in the first ten minutes of all the "A" crits, his flux capacitor broke, and his power files just don't look like they used to. i received a complementary copy of "guys with low self-esteem: 2" with the "girls with low self-esteem: 9" video i ordered, and i swear i saw him in a pair of denim cut-offs after the scene with the shitty magician and his trick with the two dead birds. i mean...i didn't watch the video personally, but rented it out to ben quinn, who told me about thinking he saw milkshake in the video. by the way, don't waste your time watching "girls with low self-esteem: 9", the ladies featured in it simply couldn't match the lewd self-esteem deficient individuals from "GWLSE: 6".

my name is colin don. i'm a family man. i run a family business. this is my son and my partner, annyong...

back in the 1960's when i was working on the transcontinental railroad, after getting fired from my job working the high coal in west virginia, my son was hired to work on a locomotive. if i remember correctly the job description said, "needed: young asian boy to wear white polo shirt and turn knobs." talk about a killer prussian work ethic. that kid could turn knobs for days on end without food or sleep...coincidentally also part of the job description.

speaking of children lets talk about my childhood. as most of you know i am a "former child star", and although i don't like that label,...

"no, but seriously forks" i know it's been a while since i gave the bastard child, that is my web log, any attention, so to make it up to you i will give you a particularly useful recipe that was given to me by a very "GQ" friend of mine. the resulting product of this recipe could easily suffice as an early morning date rape drug if you needed one in a pinch.

pancakes!

...dry Ingredients...
(1+1/4) cup FLOUR (Unbleached AP, buckwheat, endless possibilities)
2 tsp. BAKING POWDER (perhaps a little less if you live at altitude)
2 tbs. SUGAR (granulated/white...extra-fine baking sugar works well)
3/4 tsp. SALT (french grey sea salt)

...wet ingredients...
(1+1/4) cup MILK (2%, whole)
3 tablespoons melted BUTTER (unsalted)
1 EGG
1 tbs. pure tahitian VANILLA EXTRACT

instructions:
mix dry. beat egg. mix wet. mix wet into dry. stir until
everything is barely mixed, yet well incorporated.

cook. enjoy. pancakes taste best with a milkshake...a strawberry milkshake.

i swear these aren't mine.

april 9th university of denver club cycling group ride...won that shit. the dead body (singular) was left right were dead bodies are supposed to be left...at the base of the hill.

this is a vise (i thought it was spelled "vice", but i hear this is how it's actually spelled). my favourite appendage spends a lot of time tightened in a vise, much like this one, but made out of iron and severely oxidized (rusty). this guy knows what i'm talking about...

mista dahcy.

as per my grandmother's request a new post is in the works...

2008-03-30T21:11:00.001-07:00

...expect it in a few years.

2008-02-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

you've all been waiting for a chance to own some colin don memorabilia...interesting trades considered.

2008-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

i too am selling a bunch of old used shit. please feel free to respond in the the 'comments' to this post if you want to buy anything. seriously, i will actually sell all of these things and ship them to you.

on the auction block...

*one rare red male beta fish named "aubrey". the fish lives in a french press alongside a faux hyacinth and some glass marbles. included will be food, an antiquated-looking roman pillar, and water conditioner. selling because fish lied about its sex. PRICE: $30

*one cycleops fluid^2 trainer. barely used. i bought a set of rollers and put these in the crawl space. i love my crawl space. the trainer is about two years old, but very new looking. PRICE: $140

*one plastic bag of about 300 g of crystallized cane sugar ginger. i bought this stuff from sunflower a few months back and now am tired of eating it. fun to drop to the bottom of a glass of hot tea. my loss is your gain. PRICE: $2

*one pair of white oakley razor blades. used, but still in fabulous condition. i take care of my things and keep them pristine. if you know me, you know this to be true. these shades are no exception. they have been discontinued as well, so you know, they're probably hard to find. PRICE: $50

*one pair neon green crocs. i bought these honeys last year to shower in (freshman communal bathroom shower floor = urine, fecal coliform, semen, seawomen, feces, poop, pee, dead skin cells, etcetera.) and no longer need them. i wore these in the nude, if that changes anything. PRICE: $5

*one set of PVC cyclocross barriers. used to belong to corey carlson. real cheap. PRICE: €20

*handle bar tape scaps. two colors: red and white. you know, the scraps that you get when you re-wrap your bars and cut the tape to fit. PRICE: $1

*CONFLICT SOCKS. one pair. one sock has a U.S. flag, the other is MEXICO. new, but washed once. i'm pretty sure these cannot be bought. "conflict" refers to pending battle with us & mexico PRICE: $11

*one WORK OF ART. you are pretty much commissioning me to draw you something. i have all sorts of paper, pencils, and charcoal in my room. this will be one of a kind. PRICE: $10 (priceless)

i associated most closely with the modern day asian pirates in this film.

2008-01-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

...Danke, Danke für wählend mich nicht.

i tried to find a photo of a letter made out of a chain, but instead found a drawing of naked men conforming into letters of the alphabet.

2007-12-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

i think this is better.

i didn't get an email account until like three years ago so i missed out on all of the teenage email chain letter hijinks, but when i was around the age of seven i received a chain letter in the mail from someone. his name was yougel and the ornately written letter was postmarked from gstaad, switzerland...

dear american colin,

i have found your name in american phone directory. please relay this message to seven people to avoid disease and misfortune.
this is all. good day to you.

sincerely,
yougel

...my parents said not to forward it because 'we don't support the swiss'. at the time i didn't bother to ask why, i suppose i assumed that it must have been some sort of political vendetta...

...nope. actually it was due to food poisoning from expired fondue cheese. swiss fondue cheese. apparently she was REALLY sick. Anyhoo, with tricia don's permission we visited switzerland as a family two years ago and had a lovely time. i held on to yougel's letter all this time and while we were there i attempted to look him up. after depositing about thirty swiss francs and an hour of my time into a public telephone i was able to track down his mother, who had since moved to genthod, which is a small town right outside of geneve. over the telephone she informed me that yougel had passed three years prior, and i said i was sorry to hear that, which i was. we visited her the day we were to fly out of the genevian aeroport and she told us the rest of the story that she didn't have the heart to disclose over the phone. yougel was swimming around the shores of lake geneva with his friends and contracted a deadly strain of 'duck pouse', which leeches into the water from the feces of swiss, orange-billed mallards.
he died ten days later from symptoms usually associated with amoebic dysentery. we did however get 'harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban' as one of the inflight movies, which was shown on those cool video monitors that are built into headrests of the seats. i think the other movie was something shitty like 'mona lisa smile'. i hadn't thought of this until just now, but his original letter to me mentioned something about '...disease and misfortune...' if i did not participate in his little charade. curious to say the least.

okay, so i guess we've established that it has been awhile since i had an opportunity to participate in any form of chain-lettering, but i just was 'tagged' by corey carlson (...who, i might interject, was recently attacked, and presumably taken advantage of, by a crazed individual on a denver bike path). so here, at the risk of myself contracting the hanta virus and suffering a horrible/painful death, are five things you don't know about me, maybe.

(with a slightly aggressive and punctual tone) fact.

1. i too was watching 'how to loose a guy in 10 days', but did not finish it because decidedly it was not up to par with tom hanks' films in the genre, my personal favourite being 'you've got mail'...i will say though that the new film with hilary swank has definite potential.

2. i was once involved in pretending to be a seductive young asian woman on aol instant messenger...who asked a sexed-up, pre-SAT taking teen for his measurments. he sadly complied.

3. i bought the entire set of 'rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and the island of mistfit toys' action figures (dolls) off of ebay when i was ten (sixteen). i think i used my mother's credit card...without her knowing.

4. someone was wondering what the name of the "...troll dolls with the gems in their belly buttons and colored hair..." were officially called the other day, and in my head i was able to chime in with 'treasure trolls' far too quickly...okay no more doll related facts.

5. my parents refuse to buy real christmas trees these days because of the hassle, as in you have to give it water and a corner to live in..."i already have look after two kids, and i don't need a third", so we have a nice, swedish fake one that is supposedly flame resistant. key word "resistant". i think that the class newly made trees in sweden must attend to learn about the dangers of fire is probably similar to lesson in school when the police officers used to come in and teach us about saying no to drugs. after people ask me multiple times if i want to smoke hash with them i eventually stop saying no. i guess you might say that i am "hash resistant"...not to be confused with "hash proof".

6. not really a secret, but when i pour cereal into a bowl at breakfast time i ALWAYS add far more to the bowl than i intend to eat...so that i can dump the excess in the sink.

(pause)...i think i'm missing the point maybe...were they all supposed to be embarrasing?...or just five things out of the ambiguous "things you don't know about me category"? whateve. i'm going to go watch tonight's installment of 'project runway'.

...it was a baker's dozen.

seasonal employee's are the university equivalent of a "lecturer"..."senior lecturer" if you've been at it a while.

2007-11-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

...after you box em'?...

...you ship em'. that's the luck, smartass.

...the denver international airport - headquarters for the new world order? perhaps.

2007-11-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.geocities.com/Baja/5692/

the very pants i was about to return.

2007-11-20T23:41:00.000-08:00

…writing a web log post from the denver international airport (free wifi) because typing on a keyboard allows me to rest my hands on the typing surface thus eliminating any temptation to put my arms and hands on the gross, bacteria enveloped, synthetic blue airport furniture. how could I forget the alcohol wipes. instead of killing the 99.9% of germs on this seat, i’m absorbing them through the my one hundred percent cotton banana republic slim-fitting british khaki safari slacks. i too once had grandiose dreams that i might one day find myself penning out stories of love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm in the pages of a j. Peterman (http://jpeterman.com/) catalogue…

“…she paused for a moment in thought before elegantly pursing her lips together and daintily running the scarlet colour from right to left. at that precise moment he, across the world, was readjusting the band of his father’s old patek phillipe that had been sadly parted momentarily with his wrist for inspection by the customs agent with the oddly callous demeanour. a quick glance out to the sun-bleached tarmac; dodgson was on time for once. after procuring his well-worn rucksack from the oxidized steel rollers of the antiquated x-ray device, he strolled out the door and towards the shapely man bent over the engine cavity of the olive green cessna 3130. the scent of burnt petrol perfumed the air and when dodgson acknowledged his presence by a slight turn of the head, the expression he wore was unmistakably synonymous with enough time to pour a glass of what little he had left of the bottle of 1958 glen garioch. he pulled the lever to gain entry into the cockpit and sat down with the…yada…yada…yada…the pants he was wearing were superbly comfortable”

It never would have worked out.

…time to board. (saved & posted from home.)

do you want to go in the bathroom and smoke a cigarette with me?

2007-11-19T10:04:00.000-08:00

well hello. its been a while since i made my last post, but i suppose this is always the case. enjoy the photographs and commentary from the last few weeks.

on halloween night i went to astronomy class at an observatory, in a park. im quite certain that i saw the words "BALD ASSHOLE" scrawled across someones door in something red, perhaps sheep's blood. toilet paper had also been strewn about their yard. i remember the days when we would just toss a few bottles of green food coloring and anise extract into the pool of the person...(who thought it a good idea to pass out fruit or pennies to children on halloween)...and be done with it. then again, i think sheep's blood is probably commercially availible these days, which it was not in 1997. on the other hand just because something is "commercially availible" doesn't mean its cheap. the werewolf testicles that i purchased on ebay for halloween of 01' cost me fifty dollars a piece, and i'm pretty sure that mean old man didn't realize that he was eating real werewolf testicles, they could have been a dog's for all he knew. i think i talked about cow's blood in a post long ago; the fascination with mammalian hemoglobin continues...

the redline cup. racing with the cat three's is crosstastic. i did not finish dead last and i did not vomit...or itch for that matter. woot. i think i finished 55th out of a 76 man field. i also watched the pro race, and was situated a mere twenty feet way when mr. jeremy "love tap" powers got fresh with a barrier and she maced him in the face.

evan sandstrom and i went to a cyclocross race in the highlands ranch area that was called "on the cross" and was held at church...then evan drove me to a liquor store and bought me beer. not cheap gross beer, but classy "microbrewed" beer. this was one of my finer races of the season. almost scored the hole shot, and ended up second wheel through almost all of the first lap. i tried to keep the pace up, but ended up losing a few positions and grabbed on to the back of a chase group. fifteenth place finish. evan broke a bolt on his stem twenty-five minutes prior to the race. lame. one of the guys in the race was named jafar. sick. you win some, you loose some.

i went to see feist play at the ogden theatre and ended up having quite the lovely time. she opened with "sea lion woman", and prior to that i was not aware of her "rocking" abilities, but yes she can play, sing, wear red tights, and look pretty. my only complaint was that she played the opening riff to "lovertits" and then stopped. for the family i would like to note that the beer was not actually mine, i just borrowed it from jane for the picture.

"my moon, my man"

leslie feist.

finals weekend was every morning this weekend + monday morning at seven o'clock. yes, i know wtf. its over now and i can start manufacturing the z's at night...instead of sitting at the table in my kitchen, drinking mediocre coffee out of the french press, bitting my nails, and reading about sexual promiscuity...for anthropology.

bob mapplethorpe, potential getaway driver, go.

the quarter is now over. i pack my things tonight and take a six week holiday to the american southwest tomorrow. i was supposed to start base on the third of december, but...DECEMBER 9TH ARIZONA STATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF CYCLOCROSS! base can wait a few extra days. ill see you there...while you are there...in arizona...watching the race.

bon voyage.

two firsts in one day. first cyclocross race and first water-borne itching parasite. yes, a busy day indeed.

2007-10-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

headed out to interlocken this morning with the sandstorm brothers, evan and eric. eric (age: 15, height: 6'7'') needed to make it to the juniors race, so at dark thirty we all piled in to the volvo and made the pilgrimage to the course.

much of the course entailed riding through this viscous grass that absorbed most of the energy that was expended with each stroke through the pedals. there were quite a few turns, some of which people were describing as "off-canter". i almost hit a tree, but i did not thanks to my superior genes/immune system. my roommate just called his online girlfriend a "cheap-ass bitch" while engaging in some non-halo 3 variety of battle (another video game that i do not know the name of)...frankly, i don't think this relationship is going to last. im sitting next to the sloth as i type this, and thus feel compelled to let you know that it's business as usual in room 607 north. he informed the young lass that he woke up at two in the afternoon, ate some trans-fat filled confectionery delight, and then has, "...pretty much been playin' halo eva since." it's nine o'clock right now. ill be leaving him soon, and the child (aubrey) will be coming with me. okay enough of that, back to the race.

the dismounting sections of the course, there were two of them, included an epic, deep puddle of stagnant, amoeba filled, cess pool-esque water, followed by a muddy run up, as well as a dismount at the bottom of a hill, a run up, a jaunt through a volley balll course, and finally two more barriers up a mild slope. this last section made kind of an "m" shape.

(pictured is greg "mud and cowbells" keller, lover of cyclocross, and sick blogger. i don't know him personally, but i read his web log.)

a few hours after watching the lil' sandstorm rip it up like a mummy on acid, evan and i (...outfitted in our undeniably sexy long sleeve skinsuits...) rolled up to the start. the field sizes for almost all of the races were disgustingly large....i think the senior men 45+ category had a rumored 100 or more riders....the race being in such close proximity to boulder and denver was most likely responsible for this. there must have been at least fifty (correction 100) people lined up for our race, and evan and i were only about two rows back at the start. following the commencement of the race there was a mass of people looking to get a good position into the first turn, i was passing people and moving my way up before the creek crossing, and after the gross hill had put myself in a decent position. the rest of the race was spent trying to move up. i was passing people on the sections with the barriers and dismounts, and was being re-passed on some of the grassy sections. the legs felt good the last three to five laps, meaning i was not so far into oxygen debt that i was unable to maintain cognitive function.

things that went well today, sort of. firstly, the weather was warm and sunny. all of the observatory park mounting, dismounting, and clipping in practice friday afternoon seemed to have paid of as there was no racking of one's self, and most of the time i was able to keep power moving through the pedals, post-barriers. also, i looked good...this is a given and really requires no mentioning. i also finished top 20 i think...maybe...well, we shall see. i beat all of the people i was determined to beat at the start, namely the two significantly younger TIAA-CREF kids.

things that did not go well today. after the muddy run up i dropped my chain to the outside somehow and had a difficult time getting it back on, a few positions were lost, and the post-chain drop bicycle remount was over a knobbly section of the course and was mildly painful.

evan was not happy with his result, and said that his "...legs felt like shit...", but he rocked it, and like a true sandstorm was riding through the sand pit/volley ball course. bad ass.

my first observations on the sport that is cyclocross.
1. ex-csu coach probably loves it due to its intense nature, and innate dick-in-a-vice qualities.
2. it's hard as fuck (pardon my american).
3. i can't wait to do it again...sans the itching and hallucinations (more to come on this...).

the second "first" (itching and hallucination)...

now that i have attempted to discuss the race without considering what transpired afterwards, which made yesterday a not so fantastic day, i will tell you about my undiagnosed allergy to stagnant pond water.

i dont clearly remember all of this. (the swear words are necessary because they help in recreating the agony).

i was very itchy after the race, my head started itching and then it started moving down my body...im very thirsty, but more so itchy...i drink some water out of an ash colored nalgene bottle, which smiled at me...i wish there was more water in this bottle...corey's parents, corey's lady friend jami, corey, scott wenzel (i would like to absolve him of all dead-ness, but maybe just a tad dead to me still), eric, and evan were all shucking and jiving next to the muddy ditch after the four's race, it's nice to see all of them...evan and i are going to disneywrand for spring break...i itch every fucking where!...okay i need to get this skinsuit off so that i can scratch my skin so hard it bleeds and my forearms get sore...back to evans car...skinsuit off boxers on...ill sit on the asphalt and scratch...i think that woman standing next to her car can see into my boxers...i dont care...evan i need help, lets go get some benadryl please...i wonder if i can go swimming in that stream of reclaimed water...okay we're in the sandstrom mobile, and i am laying down in the backseat with only boxers and a pair of sunglasses evan handed me on...my vision is all sorts of fucked up, why is it so bright?...i can't see anything...(driving)...i see a pool...evan pull over the car...now...okay the pool is gated, im hopping over the gate...fuck fuck fuck theres some sort of inpenetrable, spring-loaded cover on the pool...the bottoms of my feet itch, it must be this pool deck...my feet are on fire...hopping back over the gate, back to the vehicle...bob you were told to thoroughly clean the pool this morning!...(driving)...albertson's parking lot, throw on white shirt and shoes so that i can get service...into the store, evan hands me a gatorade i start drinking...cold soda in the fridge next to the check out, i start drinking that...where did they go...i cant see anything, it is so bright in here...pharmacy isle...antihistimines!...fuck there are like a million varietys of benadryl...im going to pass out or lie down...okay im sitting on the floor...evan just open a fucking box...here swallow these...eric go get two gallons of water...check out, credit or debit...back to the parking lot...dump water on a towel and start rubbing...okay im starting to feel better...clothes on.

...anyways, that's kind of how it went down. thank you evan and eric for all of your help. thank you corey's parents, jami, corey and scott for yelling words of encouragement. we went back to watch some of corey's race afterwards, i started getting drowsy from the four benadryl tablets and after almost passing out in the shower, fell asleep on top my bed.

i attempted to WebMD my symptoms, but the diagnosis of "crabs" seemed incorrect.

in other news...

haley brill and i are in the preliminary planning stages of a trip to india. would you like to come?

first cross practice...using a cross bike. still not using mtb shoes, but someday soon.

2007-10-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

headed out to a park off of bannock st. that eric moore showed me once upon a time. i spent the first part of my morning hopping invisible barriers and running up a hill. i think it went alright all things considered. i am terrible at mounting a bicycle while running, i either end up stutter stepping and sort of half-hopping on, or i build up the courage to do it properly and end up jumping excessively high and crashing on to the saddle, which hurts. i wish i was a female...no pain when you mis-hop on to your bike saddle, and no need to purchase costly calendars. the park is right next to a high school, and since today is a tuesday school was in session, and people were doing some pre-class canoodling on park benches, etcetera. nobody was really paying attention to the uncoordinated kid that seemed to be moving about the park without rhyme or reason...running with a bike over his shoulder, attempting to do wheelies, riding down hills with both legs on one side of the bike...one homeless man did however hear me utter some profane language under my breath after i had credit carded myself on the tip of my saddle. he smiled and my pain had been justified. i hurt myself, people like watching people hurt themselves, therefore people like me. thats called a syllogism. im like john hammond, except i have bicycle and he had an elaborate amusement park with cloned dinosaurs on an island about forty miles off the coast of costa rica.

definitely worth a couple weeks of dealing with unsavory ebayers.

...AND THANK YOU KYLE! D'AURIA.

2007-10-08T22:03:00.001-07:00

wtf was i thinking.

the friuts of my loins.

2007-10-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

i went over to eric moore's haus at around 4:30...and three-five hours later this was birthed in his living room. thanks eric and tito.

извинения

2007-10-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

the prior post was much more entertaining this morning, following the french press of coffee and the two bowls of cinnamon toast crunch. no more posting for the sake of posting. i cross my heart...and hope to die. kids are scared of the park. yeah, grown men come into the park and don't leave alive.

i noticed this while perusing the web post-breakfast...polish fixie!

2007-10-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

"Hi Dennis! Iâ€™m from Poland. This is my third fixie ,her name is â€œGÄ…ska Balbinkaâ€ I use her to commute every day ,everywhere. Bike is based on cromoly steel frame ,shitmano 600 cranks ,modolo handlebar ,and wheels â€“miche pista hubs â€“remerx Taurus rims. Gear is 52X17. Iâ€™ll be glad to see my Balbinka in yourâ€™s gallery. My mail: rurokura@o2.pl rurokura@o2.pl"

click on the link and check out rurokura's sick shitmano cranks. yeah, thats right even polish people think shimano sucks, the polish consensus is that they should stick to fishing reels.

http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/oct/1/rurokura.htm#image_2

after a weekend of seaching, my friend carl is sure that the lost ark of the covenant is not buried in some crevasse in the catskill mountains.

2007-10-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

seven people have now told me that honey bees have stopped working or something, and from experience i know that when seven different people of different ages, different ethnic backgrounds, different heights, and different opinions on the ethicality of stem cell research, tell you that something is happening you accept this as infallible fact. thus, i did what any sane person unaffected by the fumes of model-grade super glue would do...i went on to craigslist and tried to purchase a bee farm. for anyone unfamiliar with the concept of 'craigslist', it is a centralized network of online communities, featuring free classified advertisements (with jobs, internships, housing, personals, for sale/barter/wanted, services, community, gigs, resume, and pets categories) and forums on various topics. as of now craigslist is inundated with a lot of high-profile beekeeping properties (it seems that even the 'honeyville' folks in durango have caught wind of hard times in the beekeeper community), but i finally found some guy that lives right outside of golden, colorado who might be willing to sell me the half of his garage/attic that bees that have taken over. he said, and i quote, "they seem more aggressive than normal bees." excellent, it seems that not all the bees have succomb to slothfulness. i work with a lot of aggressive people and they seem to get more work done than most, you might even call them 'busy, and mean, little bees'. i didn't want to seem like i wasnt 'serious', nor did i want him privy to the information that those bees may be worth their weight in beets in the coming months, so i told him to contact me in the next week so that we can discuss the details of our arrangment. i bought some flavored honey sticks at the sunflower market yesterday in celebration of my soon-to-be latest property acquisition. i figure that in about a month i will own a haunted bread factory AND half of a bee infested garage/attic.

i ran into the macaulay culkin's degenerate, and much less well-known brother the other day on a bike ride...lets just say there's nobody 'home alone' up there. this fellow didnt just buy milk, eggs, and fabric softener...he consumed them, probably in a single sitting. if this kid was alan greenspan he would have changed the accepted form of currency in the u.s. to oak leaves years ago.

speaking of bike riding...i havent been doing much of it. i guess i should say 'enough' of it. not to worry however, all of the components to finish building my cyclocross bike should be here by the end of the week and before you know it i'll be posting unexciting 'race updates' that nobody except my parents will read.

this should be a fair representation of me pre-cyclocross season...

...and post...

...step aside sven nys, ryan trebon, corey carlson, eric moore, and evan sandstrom.

okay i guess thats really all i have for now, for you family members out there i know i left out some general life details...ill get back to you later with them.

(...you're gonna get a bullet in you head courtesy of kyle! d'auria...)

go go smear the poison ivy on monday.

2007-09-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

i'll consider another post when someone takes me up on the star wars stamp offer.

2007-09-05T09:48:00.001-07:00

apologies folks ive been busy not writing in this web log...have you been to the grand canyon? i have. sixteen times. sucka...goodbye Harry Potter.

2007-06-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

this post is about a month old now, i started writing it and then saved it. ive been doing the traveling thing off and on for the past month and have been in such glorious places as...the north rim of the grand canyon...mount lemmon...the o'hare airport in chicago...mordor...my grandmother's house...and ireland, but now im back in tucson for the remainder of the summer. woo hoo.

(this is dated but in a quest for a decently sized post it shall stay) i started composing a post, which detailed my wreck several weeks ago, but i guess i forgot to save it. it was a good one. sorry. whatev. most of you already know the story and the limited injuries involved. anyways a few weeks ago i went down in a crit that was held at a go-kart track of all places. i can do sketchy roads that wind through neighborhoods, but a slick go-kart track that has something like 13 ridiculous turns spread out over the 0.7 mile course was not as much fun as it might sound. i went off the front for a prime and two atrociously taken turns later my bike and body were sliding, one away from the other. i hopped back on the saddle and took my free lap. the limited number of spectators...including two friends and an ex-pro...saw everything. i finished unimpressively.

i was at the grand canyon post office with my mother who needed stamps and i saw these...

i own star wars stamps now, and if you send me your name and address i will consider sending you a letter with one of these bad boys attached. the letter might have random items from a drawer in my room that i just cleaned out inside of it. seriously, just post name and address in the comments section.

the bike shop a mile from my home just sold me a single tube for eight dollars. the owners and every employee in the shop...excepting two...just made the ever expanding 'colin don's shit list' (pardon my american) joining the ranks of such people as elijah wood, my cousin mose, and my elventh grade writing teacher mr. knutson. i called the shop the other day to get everyone's address but the person who answered the phone refused, saying that he wanted my name and didnt think that i actually planned to send any of the employees complementary letter openers from my law firm. (4 pizzas a person) x (8 employees...including the owners) = (32 pizzas). i hope that everyone down at 'tucson bikes' is hungry on friday. dominos said that the best they can do is 20, so i had to call pizza hut to complete the order.

i was in ireland when 'harry potter and the order of the phoenix' premiered in cinemas around the globe and was unfortunately unable to adorn myself in a robe, black spectacles and face paint to see a midnight showing of the film, but i saw it the next night at a small theatre in a town called kilkenny. luna lovegood was a total hottie as my man zach valdez would say. im going to go watch it on thursday again if anyone would like to come.

as you all know the seventh and final book in the harry potter series will be released on friday, finally a chance to put my cloak to good use, ill be going as the nameless asian wizard that is ubiquitous in the background all of the films...hopefully walter ping will get some attention in the final book. i would be really upset if i was an old person that was really into the books, but died before the series had been completed, you know this must have happened to someone and its really too bad.

with all of the traveling and what not my training has been sort of off and on. i went up to windy point this morning after something like ten days off the bike. i felt alright. i droped the chain two cogs down on the steep sections and tried to see if i could vomit. i couldnt. i think you have to combine hard training with innapropraite food, i.e. mexican, in order to actually work so hard that you vomit. you dont really care about what im talking about do you? well, unfortunately the purpose of this web log is both informative and journal-esque. thus, i get to talk about whatever i feel compelled to type.

i bought a strawberry milk yesterday and realized that its cow blood content was far greater than that of chocolate milk.(informative)

dear diary,
my aunt matilda was diagnosed with alzheimers yesterday, and i spent all afternoon crying in the corner of my room.(journal-esque)

the tucson riding scene is littered with competitive and hard group rides, for instance the shootout, but there really isnt all that much actual racing going on this summer. mildly dissapointing, maybe ill drive to montana.

i guess thats all i have for you now, ill try to update this thing more frequently. au revoir.

"the iron horse bicycle classic"...so as it happens there's a little bit of climbing involved.

2007-05-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

my wheel is still in the shop, so not wanting to race 'the beast'...who i finally found a home for by the way, some overly talkative fellow who looked like levi leipheimer with freckles...i naturally borrowed a wheel from the spoke. i took it out on a training ride the last thursday to demo it before leaving to durango on friday, and whilst in red rocks a spoke unexpectedly snapped. the wheel was deemed un-ride-home-able, so i tried calling several people with little success and eventually came to scott's name in the contacts list. yay scott! so while i was riding in the car back to du with him i casually threw out a question pertaining to the course of the iron horse road race. any climbing scott?

this was taken verbatim from the iron horse website..."Climb a heck of a lot of vertical feet (5700ft) and scale two almost 11,000 foot mountain passes on this 48 mile ride through Colorado's San Juan Mountain range."

...sufficing to say i had a fantastic time.

i rode down with co-author of the oats book, ben, in his saab hatchback, which was "born from a jet" apparently...pretentious piece of shit kept mentioning it everytime ben would shift, "third gear, eh? well, may i just point out to you that i come from a rather prestigious lineage of jets." then it would make some ridiculously loud noise, which im guessing was its feeble attempt at an aircraft fly-by sound effect, kinda like "WHOOSH!" (the noise would travel from the passenger speakers to those next to the driver in order to simulate the doppler effect.) the fly-by sound effects were inconsequential in light of the bitching that occurred when ben filled up with 'regular' unleaded...anyways, being the responsible gents that we both arent we might have forgotten about a few things...
- a place to sleep...'look, see this...that's a car, two-hundred and seventy-five thou...might want to hang on to that one.'
- registration?
- start times?

the 'place to sleep' quandary was easily remedied after calling corey, only to find that he was sleepin' with my brother...i mean his parents...and he gave us the number of the host house that we stayed with when we were down in durango for the fort lewis race. the fellow's name is dustin, and he was more than happy to accomadate two weary travelers last minute. it was quite thrilling to do the whole college student/unplanned/show up at your door/mooch thing. dustin's a neat kid that used to race in the collegiate scene, as well as as a cat. 2...his weekend project involved a hard-smoothy business, using a blender that was hooked up to a stationary bike. he also rode the entirety of the iron horse - 48 miles - on a single speed with a coaster brake, wearing flip flops and a cape. neato.

the road race was on saturday and went well all things considered. orbea kid (also known as matt beck from the U. of NM) managed to crash into me within the first five, very calm, very level miles of the start. ass. his bars ended up wrapped around my seat post and one of his carbon bottle cages broke and entwined itself in one of my rear spokes? This was probably orbea kid's 12th crash this year, in which he hit the pavement, and most likely the least costly of the 12...carbon bottle cage? fifty dollars tops. far better that than a carbon wheelset, or frame for that matter. it became instantly apparent that orbea kid had sabotaged my rear derailleur in the crash, probably with a knife, when it refused to go down in to my smallest two cogs...the 12 and 13. not that i really had any chance of winning the race to begin with, but i would say that this veritable nail in the coffin ensured my fate. i wish i was uma thurman...and no, not so i could look at myself naked.

"dear orbea kid,
are you aware that you are gross? does it suck big time to have road rash every waking moment of cycling season...if you rode rollers in the winter replace 'cycling season' with 'your life'? you should be bisexual, it would increase your chances.
sincerely,
colin don"

...okay, but yeah, i caught back up to the slow moving cat. 4/5 peloton. at the first hill, approximately ten miles in, the 75 rider pack got split up. ben, eric, and i comprised three of the twelve man lead group. our group stuck together, dropping only two guys over the course of approximately 15 miles(?). i was content with hanging on to a wheel on the up hill; eric and ben were doing a good job of leading some of the climbs with a deviant pace. when we assembled into a paceline on the descents i was able to keep the cadence high and get into the rotation. i was popped off at the start of first, of two, big ascents...thanks eric moore. eric tried to break and the pace went up ten fold. i rode the ascents alone, excepting when a two of the cat. 3 riders grabbed my wheel on the way up molas pass. they wanted me to stick with them on the descent but without my 12 in the back i could not, which im sure they, having no clue that my derailleur was malfunctioning, percieved as mental weakness. i descended into silverton, mentally beaten, trying to present facade of strength by burying myself down the main strip into the finish.

i drank a 'tab energy drink' after the race, which was exceedingly gross. luna-bar tea cakes on the other hand...

i ended up in ninth place and won a swell looking sweatshirt/hoodie. ben placed fourth, and i think eric took sixth. congratulations all. i beat orbea kid (ass), and in the game of life this is all that truly matters.

on sunday morning ben, dustin, corey, corey's parents and i went to the local diner, since our races werent until the afternoon. i had blueberry pancakes and an egg.

the criterium on sunday..."It takes experience to know that sometimes you have to go so hard that your left testicle comes out your right ear, and only then will it start to get easier"...was hard. the course is drawn out in the photo posted below. i had a really good start and got up front quickly, which limited experience has taught me is probably how you should do it. i held on to the lead pack for a long while, a few breaks went away and then would be quickly reeled in. i dont know how long we were into the 50 min. crit, but a break containing eric moore went away and stayed away...to my surprise. corey was on the steamworks brewery corner with his dad and mom, whose cries of positive affirmation were easily discernable amongst the spectators, and was providing helpful commentary. so after a few laps at the back of the chase group i decided to use what energy i had left to catch the break. we got close, and i think if someone had kept the pace up after i dropped off the front we could have done it. a few laps later i got popped off the chase group and rode the rest of the crit alone. i didnt get lapped by the break, but i could hear the moto behind me on their final lap. out of a thirty-five man field, only twelve ended up finishing. i ended up in tenth, and won twenty-five dollars for getting fourth in the omnium (road race + crit = onmium). eric finished third and got 1st in the omnium. ben was crashed within the last five laps, for the second weekend in a row, and did not finish. we stuck around to watch steve forbes in the three's race and corey in the pro-1,2 race. i drove us home, and didnt even fall asleep behind the wheel...like last time. we said bon voyage to durango at around 7:30 and pulled in to denver at about 2:15. fun weekend. i cant wait to do it again.

vanity at its best...the only thing that would make any of these photos better is zach 'milkshake' valdez, in the background with the pain face on. (the photos are small because the photographers website has a no copy/paste spell placed on all of the expanded photos, probably as some sort of ill-conceived scheme to actually sell copies.)

...i was a little bored.

i wish i could clearcut the state of colorado so that it would stop raining.

2007-05-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

i obviously would not be able to do this myself, so i was considering going into the city tomorrow to find the creepy vagabond that told me several months ago that she would wield her dark magic against me if i refused to give her my chinese leftovers; i was coming back from a rather delightful meal at the white lotus palace. my initial thought was that she could use her dark magic to do the clearcutting, but after thinking about it i decided that such a feat would be overly vexing, especially for a malnourished person. my new plan is to have her raise paul bunyan and his ox back from the dead. she would also program them to do my bidding, and my bidding alone. first order of business boys...deforest the state of colorado.

i ended up yielding the leftovers and consequently im not entirely sure she is a dark sorceress, but she smelled strongly of mushrooms, which are a pretty standard ingredient in potions, so im pretty confident.

try to imagine a combination of these last two photos.

'the crystal cat'

2007-05-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

the other trifecta...the one not involving the simultaneous enjoyment of sex, salted-cured meats, and television.

2007-05-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

whilst the du cyclists were in lawrence 'the emerald city', kansas this weekend i was not, due to the unfortunate coincidence of a rather large biology exam. the thursday morning send-off soiree was very elegant though, cream cheese, dan wahl (ass) and decent coffee were all present...plus a few members of the team.

the exam went well i suppose. i totally nailed the question concerning sea otter testicular defeminization in the northern pacific.

side note: i heard that vitamin warehouses in alaskan inuit villages sell sea otter milk as a high protein supplement, which is often used by narwhal wrestlers during the peak season. at twenty grams of protein per ounce its one of the greatest recovery beverages in existence. sea otters, however, are a tricky species, and harboring enough of them in captivity to obtain marketable quantities of milk would be both difficult and semi-illegal, according to the law of the inuit. thus, their milk is harvested in small quantities by freelance fisherman/summer time beet farmers. Also, it's entirely organic (which these days is huge), and quite expensive, so you would need to be more wealthy than i to begin a regular regiment. sea otter milk is number sixty-nine on the UCI list of banned substances, although current tests are still unable to test its presence in the body. don't fret floyd landis, id like to reiterate the relative obscurity of this e-publication. (the photo at the top of the page is not a sea otter).

i tried sending out an email, which was an exact replica of one of walter hoge's infamous "weekend ride options" emails, but as it happens i neglected to press send. so saturday at 9:37 am i commenced a lonely one hundred and five mile ride of utter bliss.

the route: bike path to chatfield state park, up deer creek to the high grade turn off, up high grade to highway 73, highway 73 to n. turkey creek road to parmalee road to grapevine to the backside of lookout mtn. to the bike path that leads to cherry creek reservoir to home to the fridge to a spoon and finally to a jar of peanut butter.

yep. so it was kind of funny being able to experience all five climbs on a single saturday, you get to see all the separate groups of people who endure each individual climb, for instance there was this picnic site at the climax of the high grade climb that an overwhelming amount of people were stopped at. alas, i forgot the required bottle of sarsaparilla and just didn't feel right about sitting down without it. not very much youth on the road, a lot of older folks. it finally got to the point where i had said hi to so many people that i had to speed up everytime i was to pass by someone to avoid being 'rude'...paradox? perhaps. that seems like kind of an asshole thing to do, but i was coughing a lot so i needed to save the throat for dry heaves.

i brought food and money for first time ever and i didnt loose my mind...like on that ride with forbes, eric, and grant prior to spring break, during which i did loose my mind.

in a foolish attempt to go for the 'century' i headed out to the cherry creek reservoir, despite the ominously dark clouds. it started to rain while i was on the bike path and it started to pour just prior to entering the reservoir. so i got a little wet and may have futilely cursed that 'bitch' mother nature a few times, but on my way back to campus the rain let up.

on sunday i actually sent out an email for a lookout mtn. recovery ride, unfortunately amy, the only one who replied, slept late. she's a little depressed these days, after the breakup with the 'milkshake', so i kind of understood. its hard to do a recovery ride when there's no one with you to talk to, all you really want to do is get the ride over with because firstly your legs are cashed and secondly you probably shouldn't have chosen lookout mtn. as a recovery destination. i brought a small bag of drinking chocolate (http://www.mariebelle.com/product.cfm?id=4) to eat at the top of lookout. huge mistake. i was fatigued and had an obscene amount of difficulty getting it into my mouth. also, its semi-powdery consistency caused me to choke and consequently loose a great deal of its chocolatey goodness to the pavement. the legs started feeling decent half-way up the mountain though.

okay, i guess that's all for now. have a lovely evening everyone.

ps. when you see corey carlson be sure to congratulate him on his superb gila result and the thick new non-lady 'friend' (overly dramatic air quotes).

pss. if you hadn't noticed i dont use capital letters, but i do use ellipses...a lot.

motivation.

2007-05-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

"lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. deal with it."

2007-05-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

this is a finalist for my "new image" contest...thoughts?

no evan, i did not not take it to mt. crumpit to dump it. happy birthday.

2007-05-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

on sunday eric, scott, haley b. (jubilant spectator), and myself headed to boulder for the rocky mounts criterium. following one of the most stellar warm ups of the entire season, during which nobody offered me a cookie that would have resulting in me falling off my rollers, breaking a toe clip, and ruining my day/race/very limited credibility as a cat 4 cyclist, i actually got warm and was ready to '...kick ass so bad" as they say. thank god for these 4-5 criteriums...sort-of, there isnt a sprint off the line to commence the race, that results in me woking so hard that my left testicle comes out of my right ear (thanks balding csu coach). the sort-of qualifier is the result of an overwhelming amount of sucky bike handling skills that end up in the pack, that ultimately resulted in my race lasting less than twenty minutes.

yep. scott was sick, which resulted in a short race for him. eric moore and i however felt good/healthy, and were riding well. less than ten laps into the crit, and on the corner before the short descent eric moore gets a flat. i think by that time scott had already elected to drop out, and this was two out of three du racers out of the race. on the same lap, turning right to go into the hill i was following the line of the rider right in front of me, and all of a sudden some hideous snapping occurs and my rear wheel locks up. son of a bitch. i did not go down, but some ass in the pack felt it necessary to shout out "your race is ova!" when it happened. ill bet it was the campus cycles employee that was keeping the 125 cadence on the downhill. oh, ps remind me to devote a post to my personal vendetta with "campus cycles"...the worst bike shop/sponsor ever. if you reading this and are thinking to yourself, " hey, i like campus cycles, they're staff is friendly and the sell premium bike parts at an affordable price", stop reading my web log please. you're not worthy (party on wayne). who am i kidding, five maybe six people read this, but still, if you have been to campus in the last three months to do something other than protest, i need to have only four to five readers. OKAY, back on topic. so i looked down to see five broken spokes and an extremely mis-tensioned hub, which was at an angle. i turned around and some idiot is laying in the grass, likely a result of shoving his front wheel and pedal in to me. i asked him what had happened and he said that someone must have pushed him into me. yes, thats what happened. i then asked him if he was alright, subconsciously hoping that his answer would be no. he was.

after wallking back to the start with my dead bicycle laying over my shoulder, some guy who i guess dropped out? informed me that he witnessed mr. incompetent in the corners drift across the entire thing and run into me. well he owes me give or take three hundred and fifty dollars to replace my hoop and spokes.

rocky mounts crit in boulder.

2007-05-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

...so the estimated cost for the rebuild of my campy neutron wheel is $350 usd. im not too happy right now. im not sure that all the steven seagal photos in the world could make me feel any better, but they're a start. more to come.

if you need vicodin call or email me.

milkshake's stats from the 2nd stage of the gila.

2007-05-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

64th
3:41:08
0:18:24
468 Milkshake Valdez Zachary
Fort Lewis Cycling
Durango CO 220719

oh, hells yah.

dont diet on the bike, says tyler hamilton

2007-05-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

i need to start remembering to bring food on rides. i went to lookout mtn. alone this afternoon with two bottles, one topped off with a scoop of heed, and a half-eaten package of sport beans, lemon lime flavor. so yep, i rode out and felt decent going up lookout, but on the way home, around r.e.i. i started to loose it. i ran out of water and just wanted to eat some pretzels or something. moral of the story, listen to tyler hamilton, he knows whats up.

this will not be the last post concerning you know who.

2007-05-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

this is him on a bike, not wearing a shirt. his name is milkshake. his real name is zach valdez.

the du cycling team has two honorary members, evan sandstrom and zach 'milkshake' valdez. evan is quite aware that the du cyclists hold him in high regard, like the boy and the mice in that movie the 'the rescuers down under'. ps. does anyone remember that lizard in the movie that was really creepy and ate all the eggs. i hated that disney character. a lot. anyways, milkshake is not aware that the du cyclists discuss his existence pretty much on a daily basis, and even have created a facebook page as a shrine to his greatness or utter lack there of. if you have a facebook page dont be shy, just search "tha milkshake" and press the 'add to friends button', amy, corey, and i will make sure that you dont regret it.

in other news, eric, harry, and myself left on a ride today, with the intention to ride approximately eighty miles up deer creek, high grade, grapevine, and the backside of lookout. as we took the bike path to chatfield, the sky above the mountains was mildly omnious, but we pressed on giving no thought to it. eric moore took a killer pull up deer creek and partly up high grade, asserting his place on the nationals team. however, as we neared the end of the high grade climb, the infrequent drops of rain that had been placing themselves on the shades became increasingly frequent. the rain stated to fall, the road started to get wet, my hands started to get cold, and my castor oiled legs were covered in liquid grime. we were all dressed for yesterday, eighty degrees and sunny. as it became increasingly miserable and cold, i fell behind in a descent, acquiescing to the weather. my feet were drowing in rainwater, and i said to eric and harry that i thought we should probably find a place to wait out the storm. we ended up in evergreen, in a small restaurant specializing in prepared lunches and catering. after deciding that we wouldnt be able to make it back without sacrificially killing someone in order to craft two waterproof ponchos out of their skin, we called a few people. amy secor, milkshake photographer extraordinaire, was nice enough to make the long drive to pick us up. thanks again amy.

...foreword by anthony bourdain

2007-04-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

so, ben quinn and i are currently emmersed in writing a book. well, the writing process hasn't actually begun yet, but at the races the past few weekends we've been discussing it. the book is tentatively going to be titled "fondle my oats: a guide to doing oatmeal right in our chaotic modern day society", oh, and i'm going to ask anthony bourdain (culinary badass) to write the foreword and maybe submit one of his own oat recipes. any of you familiar with anthony bourdain and his literature know that there is no way that this is ever going to happen, first of all he probably doesn't prepare oatmeal, and secondly he sure as hell doesn't consciously ingest oats unless they happen to be cooked into a dish or baked good. the book will contain a number of recipes and cooking tips, plus stories from my own oat cooking endeavors...

excerpt from "chapter 23: vacation oats"
" i was living amongst the zulu tribe in africa one summer, and with out the option of water, i had to prepare my gourd of quick oats using cow blood..."

we're also trying to work along similar lines as a coffee table book that i once purchased, that folded open into a coffee table, by making the book some sort of one time use, last resort cooking vessel.

as promised here's a little hint that might make your life a little bit easier...
anyone who has tried to make real oatmeal, not that one minute garbage, knows that it takes an obscene amount of time to prepare, whether you do it in the microwave or one the stove. this is because of the time it takes to soften the oats and make them palatable. here's the secret...the night before, put your oats that you plan to cook the next morning in a bowl and soak them in your liquid of choice (milk, water, soy milk, cows blood, etc...). overnight the oats will absorb the liquid and become essentially "cooked". in the morning when you wake up you will just have to heat them up and a bowl of stellar oats will be ready for consumption.

there you go. make tom or row morning an oatmeal morning.

i dump my cereal in the sink.

2007-04-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

so the real impetus for starting this blog was to have a legitimate website for zach milkshake valdez's faux facebook page. check in occassionally though and you might pick up a new oatmeal recipe once in a while.